Dear, Pop

Dear, Pop.

I don't know how many times I have dedicated a post on my blog for you. I am not sure but since you did love writing and apparently you inherited that to me, it soothes me everytime I write something for you here. It feels like somehow you read them. And I still can talk to you. And while I'm typing these words on to the virtual world, I can also hear you responding and replying to me. It feels like talking to you. It feels like old times.

Pop, Master's life is going fine. I am starting to question whether I have made a wrong decision by choosing this, since so far, it has been going on far from what I expected at the very beginning. From those new people I have met, til the new subjects I have been learning for almost a month. I think I haven't been adjusted, just yet. I am not gonna lie but I've been having some thoughts about quitting and taking another major instead. I think you'd definitely gonna yell at me if you were still around. I can assure you that this is only and will only be a thought. You taught me well, I know that I have to finish all things I start, including this one. I have to be responsible for whatever choices I have made. I'm sticking to that teaching. You, again, taught me well.

Do you remember the last time I broke up with my ex-boyfriend? When you said that there'd be millions of other guys who would break my heart but you said that was life was all about? Trial and errors are not only in engineering calculations but as well as in life, you said. You told me it would all be okay to have your heart broken because I would always have you to mend and fix it as if nothing had happened. 

Well, I don't know about that now, Pop. 

Should I open myself up? It could be dangerous. Clearly. Losing you is the most painful breakup I have even been through, I don't think there'll be other breakup that will hurt as much as losing you, won't they? No one can break my heart because I won't let them break what you have fixed.

It's not the heart-broken feelings I'm afraid of. 

It's your replacement I'm terrified of. I don't want you to be replaced. You will never be replaced. 

I'm suffering from trust issues, Pop. Will there ever be a man who will protect me as much as you did? A man who will always lead me and make me a better person that I already am? A man who trusts me as much as you did? Will they? 

Because this place is high up there. 

Pop, I am not up for any kind of games, really. I am terrified that I am just a trial and error step, not the final result. 

I have the place to offer. Deep down inside next to my heartbeat, next to you. 

Pop, what should I do? What if my heart gets broken and shattered? No one to fix and mend it. Not anymore.

Pop, you are listening, aren't you? I am scared. I know you told me not to be scared of anything except God, but Pop, world is terrifying, every corners and turns now that you're nowhere around. 

What should I do?