2015: The Summary

I really don’t know how to start this, after almost a year leaving this page. I came back to this page about a month ago just to check when the last time I wrote something. To be frank, I lost my interest in writing, not sure why. I intended to demolish this page, and any other pages that have my writings on them. However, what occurred to me this year and what also might in the future drive me back here. I could do some writings again from now on since it might be the only way to relieve the stress. I completely aware that 2016 has been going for 2 months, and this is way too late to write something related to 2015. What else can I say? You will understand once you read this.

So, just like any other awkward first date that starts with one simple “Hi”, I think my simple “Hi” will bring me back here again. Hi. 

2015 started off quite well. I remember finishing my internship in Jakarta, which I had written here. Things were well. Between February and March, things went pretty much well. I went to several places, visited both of my hometowns (Medan and Kalimantan) during that period of time. These visits were kind of exciting, because all of my family members were able to join. This was rare, since my sister was always the one who had the most packed up schedule. So it was something, that she could join us without having to fight with my mum or my dad first. I was still in my 8^th semester back then and I only took 13 credits, hoping to get straight A. Uni live, on the other hand, was getting out of my hand. It was horrible and overwhelming. By horrible I mean boring. I had been attending classes for over 3 years, that could really get into your head, let me tell you that.  At the end of March, I did my internship defense, along with both of my partners. Afterall, the first 3 months seemed to be really good, everything went well and everything happened as it was planned. What could be better than that, huh?

Fast forward all of those boring period when I had to keep my eyes open during morning classes, and when I had to drive myself back home through afternoon traffic and finally to the first disaster that happened. I found out that I wouldn’t be able to graduate on time, which meant that I had to take one extra semester. I wouldn’t go into details about this, but hte bottom line is, I had to be in Uni for approximately 5 more months, attending classes and working on my last final project. When I told my parents about this, my dad was furious, or, if I may say, dissapointed. He said that I was a disgrace to my family and I talked too much without actually proving anything. I didn't blame him for saying such thing, and I didn't feel offended either because what he said was true. Its not like I planned for it to get messy or to disappoint them, I just didn't try hard enough, and too laid back. So yeah, I was a disgrace and I blabbed too much.  This, according to both of my parents, was a contrast to what my sister did. She kept quite during her Uni life. She didn’t talk too much, she didn’t share much about what happened in Uni. And yet, she managed to graduate within 3 years and 8 months. I screwed up. In all that mess, I still found that my parents would still embrace me no matter what. We still planned for holidays, laughed. They still fed me, gave me money, spoiled me with things, despite the fact that I let them down. Again, one thing probably strayed, but other things were still on the track.

I can’t believe that everything could turn into my worst nightmare within a very short period of time. It was the beginning of August. We had planned to go to our favorite holiday destination, which was hot spring pool just outside Bandung, about 2,5-3 hours ride. We also stayed in our favorite hotel, explored few places we had visited years ago. If only I had known that it was our last holiday as a perfect little happy family, I would most likely have enjoyed it even more. Finally, on August 17^th 2015, everything changed. It was the day when all the joy was taken away, the ambiance, the atmosphere, the feelings whatever you name it, they all changed. You see, my family is a small one. My dad, mom, sister and myself, that’s it. One of them, apparently didn’t realize the importance of her role in the family and decided to take off and leave her family. I will go in depth about this matter in another separated post but in this one, I’m just going to say that: my sister left home. My mum and dad were crushed, that was the first time I saw my dad cried like a baby. He was always a firm man, but that time, he cried. We drove to the town, didn’t know where to go. We went to her office downtown just to find that she wasn’t there. I texted her friends just to find that neither of them knew where she was. I remember going home at night empty handed. I also remember not being able to sleep at night because my dad kept wandering in his room, making many many calls, and my mum couldn’t sleep either. She kept praying and praying, hoping to get some light in this pitch black darkness. Thank God, all of those phone calls my dad made, finally resulted something worth to hear. My dad worked for Indonesian Air Force, that gave him access to every airport in Indonesia. Long story short, we found her. And we talked her out of this madness and she finally went home.

She was back home, things were sorted out with the involvement of few members of my big family but we all knew that things would be totally different from that point. My sister eventually left Bandung for work because she got accepted in 5 stars hotel in Bali. This time with my parents' blessing.

I, however, had to stay in Bandung to keep up with all the dreadful things that kept occurring. In addition to that, I still had some big things going on, which was getting my final project done along with my two other friends. Come to think of that now, I’m sure God helped me through that because I couldn’t have done that in regular circumstances, let alone the fucked up things that shifted my focus. I had to go for classes everyday, work on my final project and I too had to go home as soon as I can cause I had to. I had to be the one who balanced the instability in the family. The fights, the arguments, the annoying flashbacks, the mood-swings, the perspectives between two brilliant people I have ever known. Nevertheless, I did realize that I had huge responsibility and my role in the family was instantly becoming more important. A perfect timing to upgrade your personality, eh?

There were only the three of us left. We went here and there without my sister. This was a big adjustment since we always went together. My dad was different, he sometimes cried or just snapped out of nowhere. Consequently, his health was also depriving slowly. On December, things were going even worse. There was this time when I went home and found my dad laying on bed, freezing. He was sick. I could feel it in my bones that that time was different, but I was known as the most paranoid person in the family and hence I couldn’t say anything about this hunch. He always had this eagerness to get better every time he got sick, but this time, I could feel that he was giving up.
He was finally admitted to the hospital on 26th December. It was a very clear memory inside my head that on 27th, I sat beside his bed, starring at him and surprisingly, between his unconsciousness, he starred back at me. Finally, on 28^th December 2015. I lost him. I lost my dad. He passed away. Losing my parents were always the thing I was afraid of and unfortunately, I had to experience that at the very early stage of my life, when I am not someone yet, when I'm not able to stand on my own feet yet. When I'm still in a constant need of having him around.  On one hand, I was thankful because I was there beside him along the way until the last breath he took and on another, I was wrecked inside. My dad was always the one I looked up to. He was the greatest man I have ever known. He was also my protector, my shield. My bubble wrap that kept me from evil things that could potentially hurt and destroy me. Now that he’s gone, world seems to be a really fucked up and dangerous place.

You probably think that the fight is over now, well guess what? No. I still had to go through my final exam, called comprehensive exam which basically an exam you have to do and obviously pass in order to graduate and get a degree. This exam involves all things you have studied for 8 semesters. Tough, eh? I didn’t have time to mourn. I didn’t have enough space to just cry and miss my dad. Almost every people whispered while hugging me, saying cliché things such as I needed to focus, my dad would watch me from above, and he would be happy. The thing is, I don’t buy those stuff. I don’t think that he could still see me from above because God has saved him from all the terrible things that happen in this world. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a believer, I pray every day of course because apparently it is the only thing I could do from now on. But again, he has been freed. My dad has gone to a much better and nicer place. I often didn’t realize that tears were starting to fall when I was reading a book, or practicing solving stupid chemical engineering problems. I managed to graduate at the end, but honestly, I felt nothing. Sure I was relieved that I finally ended my study, but I didn’t feel the warmth that I thought I would feel. I didn’t experience the happiness  and the pride of telling the most important person in your life that you finally did it. I had never felt as alone as that time, it just felt dull, and meaningless.

Now that if you ask me how was 2015 for me? It was probably the worst year of my life. When I wrote the first three paragraphs in this post, I barely could remember the good things that happened. What I will always remember from 2015 is losing my dad. I could also remember that new year’s eve felt so wrong. We used to light fireworks and stayed up late, singing, inviting neighbors and relatives. But it wasn’t like that at all. It was so quiet, cold and sad.

This all leads to the next probable question, what’s my plan for 2016? I might sound weepy but truthfully, I don’t know. I have always imagined discussing what I would do after uni with my dad, talking it through, planning it together. But now, I clearly can’t do it, can I? My dad bragged about sending me abroad for my master study, I believe it was the last thing he expected from me, and I think I will stick to that. I really hope that this year could be better, and could also be a turning point for all of us, us as in the three of us left. My mum has lost both of her parents, now she has lost the love of her life. I really hope that she can be happy from now on. And I want to be the person who can give her all the happiness she deserves after all of these horrific things.

To summarize, this may sound like a whiny female teenager who complains about her high school life, 2015: sucks. I hope yours was good, and delightful. I also hope all of you, who are reading this, are surrounded by your loved ones. Please, do remember one thing, your life revolves around someone else’s life. That means all of your choices will affect them in so many ways, please, make some good ones, take them into account. Love them and don’t hesitate to say it. Be there for them as much as you want them to be there for you. Be thankful. You will never know how much a person could mean to you until you lose him, so make the full out of their existence.

With love,

Evyta Rosalina.