23: Self Reflection

Last Saturday, I turned 23.

I don't know how to feel about this. For me, birthdays are just regular days. Nothing special. And for me aging isn't something I should celebrate cos it means that your days on earth are becoming less and less. Birthdays aren't special, especially now that my dad isn't around.

I used to like birthdays, though. I was a fan of surprises, cakes and gifts. I still remember on my 5th birthdays, my parents threw me a birthday party. All my friends in neighborhood came, sang a birthday song, and they gave me bunch of wrapped gifts. I wore my best dress, a tutu skirt, which, honestly speaking, I loathed with a passion cos it felt itchy. I was happy.

On my teenage days, I remember I still had thing for birthdays, but not for my own. I loved giving surprises to closest friends but I started to feel anxious every time my birthday was around the corner.

Now that I'm 23, I realise that birthdays are just regular days.

My own perception and view about birthdays are different. I always think to myself a day before my birthdays: what have I accomplished for one year? Have I improved myself? Have I changed? Have I become better that the person I was a year ago? What have I given to people around me? To the world? Have I done something significant for this past a year?

Then I would be drown in my own thoughts. Why? Cos normally I would feel like my life for the past a year was just a waste.

This year is different.

For this past a year, I have been through a lot. From a fucked up family drama, stressful thesis and of course, the loss of my loved one. It would be a complete lie if I say I hadn't changed, even if it was just a little bit of change. I have changed, a lot, in many ways. Probably not superficially but definitely internally. I perceive things differently now.

I realise that things don't usually go the way you want them to be and the way you plan them to be. You have to have plans for every single little things in the world. Humans would die in a second if they don't have plans. I believe that many people now this and actually have been implementing this their entire life. I also have been doing the same thing to. What I know now is, if things don't go the way you plan, you are going to be just fine at the end cos no matter what happen, it will all be okay. It will all turn out to be okay at the end of the day.

People leave. Cliche. But they certainly always do. No matter how much you love them or they love you, they will always leave. Willingly or unwillingly. It will be painful, but then again, you will get by and eventually you will be fine at the end of the day.

I believe I have changed into a whole lot better person. I used to be all over the place, unable to control my own emotion. I couldn't look beyond bad things that had occurred to me. I used to be so stubborn, but yet I got carried away pretty much easily.

This year, I believe I have found my own stand, my own pathways of life. The clear one. I know what kind of person I am right now, and what I want to become. I know things that I want to do, I don't want to do, I should do or even I shouldn't do. The lists are still going but I have managed to start the list: something I hadn't been able to do for 22 years old.

This past a year has shaped me into a stronger being.