About two weeks ago, I had to do an obligatory activity from the University I'm doing my master's in (you can read the full coverage about my journey til I got accepted here). I think its not quite right to call it activity since it wasn't a singular noun, cos I had to do tons of activity for 4 days. Frankly speaking, I was hesitant to do it, because I didn't think it was the right thing to do at this age. In addition, I felt like I was too old to do such activities. It even crossed my mind that I should pretend to be sick or something just to get away from it. Too bad, the certificate I would get from this activity, or a what-so-called "Bootcamp", is required in order to graduate later on.
On Thursday the 7th, I had to go super early in the morning cos we all had to hop on a bus. It was such a torture to wake up early cos I was used to wake up late since I got nothing to do in the morning. The first destination was an old river located just outside a small city called Sukabumi. I think you've probably guessed it right, yes, we were going to do some rafting. I was so nervous since I hadn't done it before. The river was so wide, and they said that there would be 21 cascades along the river and it would take approximately 3 hours. I don't know about you guys, but I am definitely not an outdoorsy kind of person so having to be under the excruciating sunlight for 3 hours straight, on a boat, with 21 cascades and a huge possibility to fall into the water, was too much for me to bear. Unfortunately, there was no other choice and I had to go through it. I could lie and say that I had a serious illness that could be fatal if I kept going but if I had done it, I wouldn't have had anything to talk about and I wouldn't have had a new experience to reminisce in the future. At first it was scary I'm not gonna lie but after a while, it became soothing to see how the water flew, how it dripped between the stones. It was just amazing to see the trees, the river and sky coalescing together to form such a pretty view. We were not allowed to bring our phones or cameras while we did the rafting (duh, of course) so sadly, I didn't (because I couldn't) take any pictures. After sailing the river for 3 hours (which surprisingly didn't feel like it was THAT long), we finally arrived at the finished point where we could wash up our body and basically get cleaned up. I hate this kind of thing with. a. passion. I'm a very practical person, and I'm super organised it makes me uptight sometimes, so having to queue then taking a quick bath while someone is waiting for her turn in front of the door kinda made me feel anxious and uncomfortable in many ways. But then again, I had to cos we fell into the water (the boat that I was in was almost flipped basically and 3 out of 5 people in it fell right into the water on the 11th cascade), and my body smelled like poo. Not to mention my hair as well, which smelled even worse.
From the 8th to the 10th, the bootcamp took place in a hotel or a resort. I met lots of new friends. We were placed in small group and at some point there were some sort of mini games and each group had to compete against each other. The bootcamp wasn't really a bootcamp, you know, when we hear "bootcamp", we (well at least I do), tend to think it military type of activity with push ups, sit ups, and all kind of physical punishments included. So it wasn't really a bootcamp since there was no yelling involved, let alone physical punishments. We were forced and trained to be confident and speak up our mind since they said that for next 2 years in the program, we would have to be able to do such things.
( This is where this post is getting personal )
Usually, I'm always open for new friends, new things and new people. But this time, I found it hard to connect with people. I found it hard to build an emotional bonding with these new people. I still have it though, the ability to just be friend with people. I met lots of new, nice and kind people in my batch, but it was so hard to have like a strong connection and intimate relationship. I know that it was just a 3 days activity but normally, 3 days would be enough for me to deduce and to see whom I'm gonna feel the connection with. This time, it wasn't like that. It was so hard to connect and to reach that level where the friendship or the relationship gets personal. There was a point when I thought that this could end bad cos I'm that type of person who needs at least one person to rely on even if this person and I don't end up as a best friend. Dont get me wrong though, I have some nice friends now but I don't think I would have a strong friendship with these guys. Maybe I'm being prejudice and shallow, I know.
I have came to realise that you don't always need bestfriends once you get older. I think at this age, I have grown up and I have shaped myself into something as a whole and those people I have from the past, who have known me for years, and noticed and also witnessed the changes I've been through are the people I need the most. I don't want to bother myself explaining, proving and showing myself to these new people and expect them to understand me. Plus, its kinda tiring to tell these new people my 22 years old story and I'm sure they wont be bothered to listen as well. This is why I kinda feel disconnected with my new friends. I have freed myself from every expectation I used to have from meeting new people.
The thing is, even if I feel like I don't need a new BFF, I still think that I need someone I could talk to, cos two years of this program could too much at some point and I honestly think I would need someone to simply share the burden I might have in the future. I know that I could still talk to Ayu or Andrea or other friends but lets just be real, it would be so much more relieving to share your thoughts, anxiety or to ask for point of views, perspectives and advices to someone who is going thru the same thing as you are. Crossed my fingers that I would meet this someone.Oh, when it comes romantic-wise relationship, I really don't expect that much. Not because all the guys I meet here (they are super decent and nice), its more like I'm still fixing everything in me, and I don't think someone will like me soon. Sounds pretty much pathetic but, hey, I am just being honest here.
On Thursday the 7th, I had to go super early in the morning cos we all had to hop on a bus. It was such a torture to wake up early cos I was used to wake up late since I got nothing to do in the morning. The first destination was an old river located just outside a small city called Sukabumi. I think you've probably guessed it right, yes, we were going to do some rafting. I was so nervous since I hadn't done it before. The river was so wide, and they said that there would be 21 cascades along the river and it would take approximately 3 hours. I don't know about you guys, but I am definitely not an outdoorsy kind of person so having to be under the excruciating sunlight for 3 hours straight, on a boat, with 21 cascades and a huge possibility to fall into the water, was too much for me to bear. Unfortunately, there was no other choice and I had to go through it. I could lie and say that I had a serious illness that could be fatal if I kept going but if I had done it, I wouldn't have had anything to talk about and I wouldn't have had a new experience to reminisce in the future. At first it was scary I'm not gonna lie but after a while, it became soothing to see how the water flew, how it dripped between the stones. It was just amazing to see the trees, the river and sky coalescing together to form such a pretty view. We were not allowed to bring our phones or cameras while we did the rafting (duh, of course) so sadly, I didn't (because I couldn't) take any pictures. After sailing the river for 3 hours (which surprisingly didn't feel like it was THAT long), we finally arrived at the finished point where we could wash up our body and basically get cleaned up. I hate this kind of thing with. a. passion. I'm a very practical person, and I'm super organised it makes me uptight sometimes, so having to queue then taking a quick bath while someone is waiting for her turn in front of the door kinda made me feel anxious and uncomfortable in many ways. But then again, I had to cos we fell into the water (the boat that I was in was almost flipped basically and 3 out of 5 people in it fell right into the water on the 11th cascade), and my body smelled like poo. Not to mention my hair as well, which smelled even worse.
From the 8th to the 10th, the bootcamp took place in a hotel or a resort. I met lots of new friends. We were placed in small group and at some point there were some sort of mini games and each group had to compete against each other. The bootcamp wasn't really a bootcamp, you know, when we hear "bootcamp", we (well at least I do), tend to think it military type of activity with push ups, sit ups, and all kind of physical punishments included. So it wasn't really a bootcamp since there was no yelling involved, let alone physical punishments. We were forced and trained to be confident and speak up our mind since they said that for next 2 years in the program, we would have to be able to do such things.
( This is where this post is getting personal )
Usually, I'm always open for new friends, new things and new people. But this time, I found it hard to connect with people. I found it hard to build an emotional bonding with these new people. I still have it though, the ability to just be friend with people. I met lots of new, nice and kind people in my batch, but it was so hard to have like a strong connection and intimate relationship. I know that it was just a 3 days activity but normally, 3 days would be enough for me to deduce and to see whom I'm gonna feel the connection with. This time, it wasn't like that. It was so hard to connect and to reach that level where the friendship or the relationship gets personal. There was a point when I thought that this could end bad cos I'm that type of person who needs at least one person to rely on even if this person and I don't end up as a best friend. Dont get me wrong though, I have some nice friends now but I don't think I would have a strong friendship with these guys. Maybe I'm being prejudice and shallow, I know.
I have came to realise that you don't always need bestfriends once you get older. I think at this age, I have grown up and I have shaped myself into something as a whole and those people I have from the past, who have known me for years, and noticed and also witnessed the changes I've been through are the people I need the most. I don't want to bother myself explaining, proving and showing myself to these new people and expect them to understand me. Plus, its kinda tiring to tell these new people my 22 years old story and I'm sure they wont be bothered to listen as well. This is why I kinda feel disconnected with my new friends. I have freed myself from every expectation I used to have from meeting new people.
The thing is, even if I feel like I don't need a new BFF, I still think that I need someone I could talk to, cos two years of this program could too much at some point and I honestly think I would need someone to simply share the burden I might have in the future. I know that I could still talk to Ayu or Andrea or other friends but lets just be real, it would be so much more relieving to share your thoughts, anxiety or to ask for point of views, perspectives and advices to someone who is going thru the same thing as you are. Crossed my fingers that I would meet this someone.Oh, when it comes romantic-wise relationship, I really don't expect that much. Not because all the guys I meet here (they are super decent and nice), its more like I'm still fixing everything in me, and I don't think someone will like me soon. Sounds pretty much pathetic but, hey, I am just being honest here.
You're not Evyta that I knew in primary school anymore :'). keep up the writing, darling!
ReplyDeleteAwww :') I'm still the same Evyta you've known for more than 10 years, Nna! I will and I'm secretly a fan of your blog for ages, hope I would be as great as you are!
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