I Miss You, Pop

I'm currently sitting in a coffee shop around the corner. All by myself. I had a dream last night. About my Dad. In my dream, I was driving around with him, just the two of us. He looked so happy. We were driving in the area which seemed like an airport runway, which was so much of a coincidence since its one of my most favourite places. We were driving, and checking out many planes that were parked in the hangar. He explained me about jets, and fighters. Boeing and Airbus. Exactly like he always did. I woke up feeling empty. It's still the same. It has been more than 100 days since he left me but the emptiness is still there.

One of my earliest memory was being on my Dad's laps where he always did this thing with them. I would giggle and he would kiss me on my cheek. I was always close to him. People say that I was always his favourite. He was too. I love my mom and my dad equally incase you're wondering. But this post is a tribute to my dad. I know its not common that a daughter could be super close with her dad, since she would naturally be drawn more to her mom, but its different with me.

He wasn't always my favourite person on earth, though. 

Sometimes I could be so scared of him that much that I would prefer telling my mom about certain things. He's a very organised person and for a messy person like me, it was surely a torture. He liked to get things done fast, and it sometimes killed me to. He got panic easily, which also scared me cos he would yell and say bad things. 

Beneath all that, he's the greatest man I've ever met in my entire life. 

He never broke my heart, he's the first protector instead. Sometimes I pitied him, realising the fact that he was often misunderstood by many people, even by his own family. Up until today, I still sometimes question myself why I didn't stand up by him back then when people thought he had an awful personality. He never failed to make the rest of the family and myself proud, even until the very last day his body could be seen on earth. This leads me to another question for myself ( or a rather statement ), that I never made him proud as much as he did to me. 

He was always firm, but soft instead. 

He looked tough, his voice was always loud. But he's the most sensitive man I have ever known. I could remember he always paid attention to poor people who live near our house. He would go outside one day and came with boxes of fried chicken. He would tell the housemaid to pack them up with drinks and give them away. Even my mum didn't really think about it that far. I could remember breaking up with my boyfriend after 2 years of relationship. I wanted to cry on his laps so bad like back on those days but I was so scared he would get mad because he had always taught me to be strong. One fine afternoon he called me when I was listening some sad-ass songs in my room. He didn't ask much but I knew he knew what was going on. He then hugged me and said:

"I love you, and I would never hurt you. But you will meet people who do but you have to always remember that you have me. And I taught you to be strong, to be firm. I could go now and kick his ass but you won't be able to stand up for yourself in the future if I do. You're gonna be okay. I know you will"

That was three years ago. 

Even last year, after the incident. I often came up to him and cried. I whined and talked about how things were going to be different now. How I missed those times when we could go out as a family, simply be happy together. I could see that he also wanted to cry but seeing me crying, he managed to hold his tears and calmed me down, saying:

"World is tough, you will expect things to happen as you plan but in reality, they don't. You will always have to be prepared for it. Don't be scared"

He was the only person I could relate to in the family.

Sure I could talk to my mum and my sister but I couldn't relate to them as much as I did to my dad. We were in synced. I have a thing for airplanes and jets, he did too. I have a thing for history, he did too. I understood me and he knew what to say every time I was confused. He didn't show that he understood me but he knew what to say. 

He was always firm. He would always have answers to my questions. 

He would always have some things to say and some logics to convey every time I was anxious or panic. On 2011, I failed my admission to Bandung Institute of Technology and I think its the most disappointing moment for him and also for myself. He was stationed in Jakarta back then, and every time he went back home, he wouldn't look at me or listen to my story. I could understand that. Any other people would probably blame their Dad and be offended instead. But I didn't. I blamed myself. It's a simple thing to do: getting into a University. At least it was easier than having to go back and forth Jakarta-Bandung every week to earn some money. It was my biggest failure I have ever given my Dad. I will always remember how I failed and even now that I made it to the exact university for my master's, I still can't get over the fact that it's too frikkin late. 

He wasn't always strong though. The last few months before he passed away, I often saw him cry. He would crumble in the middle of the night.

Do you know how it feels like to miss a person who you will never be able to see anymore? To have so many things in your mind but you can't tell him? The feeling when you want to hug him but you know for damn sure you can't? You can't only rely on prayers, which are so abstract. 

Do you know how it feels like to have your heart broken into pieces and you know it won't go back in shape? You will always have those cracks and souls inside your heart. 

Do you know how it feels like to question whether there will be another man who loves you as much as your dad did?

It's overwhelming. 

It's tiring.

It's surely confusing.

My world is just a dangerous place without him. At least I think I have manage to look as firm as he was but I'm broken inside. I don't trust people I meet, people I talk to. Every corner seems to be a dark place.

I know at the end of the day I will be fine. I will be fine. Because he said I would and I trust you. But at times like this, I just want to crumble on his laps, and having his hands stroking my hair like old times. 

I miss you, Pop.