Dear, Pop

Dear, Pop.

I don't know how many times I have dedicated a post on my blog for you. I am not sure but since you did love writing and apparently you inherited that to me, it soothes me everytime I write something for you here. It feels like somehow you read them. And I still can talk to you. And while I'm typing these words on to the virtual world, I can also hear you responding and replying to me. It feels like talking to you. It feels like old times.

Pop, Master's life is going fine. I am starting to question whether I have made a wrong decision by choosing this, since so far, it has been going on far from what I expected at the very beginning. From those new people I have met, til the new subjects I have been learning for almost a month. I think I haven't been adjusted, just yet. I am not gonna lie but I've been having some thoughts about quitting and taking another major instead. I think you'd definitely gonna yell at me if you were still around. I can assure you that this is only and will only be a thought. You taught me well, I know that I have to finish all things I start, including this one. I have to be responsible for whatever choices I have made. I'm sticking to that teaching. You, again, taught me well.

Do you remember the last time I broke up with my ex-boyfriend? When you said that there'd be millions of other guys who would break my heart but you said that was life was all about? Trial and errors are not only in engineering calculations but as well as in life, you said. You told me it would all be okay to have your heart broken because I would always have you to mend and fix it as if nothing had happened. 

Well, I don't know about that now, Pop. 

Should I open myself up? It could be dangerous. Clearly. Losing you is the most painful breakup I have even been through, I don't think there'll be other breakup that will hurt as much as losing you, won't they? No one can break my heart because I won't let them break what you have fixed.

It's not the heart-broken feelings I'm afraid of. 

It's your replacement I'm terrified of. I don't want you to be replaced. You will never be replaced. 

I'm suffering from trust issues, Pop. Will there ever be a man who will protect me as much as you did? A man who will always lead me and make me a better person that I already am? A man who trusts me as much as you did? Will they? 

Because this place is high up there. 

Pop, I am not up for any kind of games, really. I am terrified that I am just a trial and error step, not the final result. 

I have the place to offer. Deep down inside next to my heartbeat, next to you. 

Pop, what should I do? What if my heart gets broken and shattered? No one to fix and mend it. Not anymore.

Pop, you are listening, aren't you? I am scared. I know you told me not to be scared of anything except God, but Pop, world is terrifying, every corners and turns now that you're nowhere around. 

What should I do?

23: Self Reflection

Last Saturday, I turned 23.

I don't know how to feel about this. For me, birthdays are just regular days. Nothing special. And for me aging isn't something I should celebrate cos it means that your days on earth are becoming less and less. Birthdays aren't special, especially now that my dad isn't around.

I used to like birthdays, though. I was a fan of surprises, cakes and gifts. I still remember on my 5th birthdays, my parents threw me a birthday party. All my friends in neighborhood came, sang a birthday song, and they gave me bunch of wrapped gifts. I wore my best dress, a tutu skirt, which, honestly speaking, I loathed with a passion cos it felt itchy. I was happy.

On my teenage days, I remember I still had thing for birthdays, but not for my own. I loved giving surprises to closest friends but I started to feel anxious every time my birthday was around the corner.

Now that I'm 23, I realise that birthdays are just regular days.

My own perception and view about birthdays are different. I always think to myself a day before my birthdays: what have I accomplished for one year? Have I improved myself? Have I changed? Have I become better that the person I was a year ago? What have I given to people around me? To the world? Have I done something significant for this past a year?

Then I would be drown in my own thoughts. Why? Cos normally I would feel like my life for the past a year was just a waste.

This year is different.

For this past a year, I have been through a lot. From a fucked up family drama, stressful thesis and of course, the loss of my loved one. It would be a complete lie if I say I hadn't changed, even if it was just a little bit of change. I have changed, a lot, in many ways. Probably not superficially but definitely internally. I perceive things differently now.

I realise that things don't usually go the way you want them to be and the way you plan them to be. You have to have plans for every single little things in the world. Humans would die in a second if they don't have plans. I believe that many people now this and actually have been implementing this their entire life. I also have been doing the same thing to. What I know now is, if things don't go the way you plan, you are going to be just fine at the end cos no matter what happen, it will all be okay. It will all turn out to be okay at the end of the day.

People leave. Cliche. But they certainly always do. No matter how much you love them or they love you, they will always leave. Willingly or unwillingly. It will be painful, but then again, you will get by and eventually you will be fine at the end of the day.

I believe I have changed into a whole lot better person. I used to be all over the place, unable to control my own emotion. I couldn't look beyond bad things that had occurred to me. I used to be so stubborn, but yet I got carried away pretty much easily.

This year, I believe I have found my own stand, my own pathways of life. The clear one. I know what kind of person I am right now, and what I want to become. I know things that I want to do, I don't want to do, I should do or even I shouldn't do. The lists are still going but I have managed to start the list: something I hadn't been able to do for 22 years old.

This past a year has shaped me into a stronger being.

I Miss You, Pop

I'm currently sitting in a coffee shop around the corner. All by myself. I had a dream last night. About my Dad. In my dream, I was driving around with him, just the two of us. He looked so happy. We were driving in the area which seemed like an airport runway, which was so much of a coincidence since its one of my most favourite places. We were driving, and checking out many planes that were parked in the hangar. He explained me about jets, and fighters. Boeing and Airbus. Exactly like he always did. I woke up feeling empty. It's still the same. It has been more than 100 days since he left me but the emptiness is still there.

One of my earliest memory was being on my Dad's laps where he always did this thing with them. I would giggle and he would kiss me on my cheek. I was always close to him. People say that I was always his favourite. He was too. I love my mom and my dad equally incase you're wondering. But this post is a tribute to my dad. I know its not common that a daughter could be super close with her dad, since she would naturally be drawn more to her mom, but its different with me.

He wasn't always my favourite person on earth, though. 

Sometimes I could be so scared of him that much that I would prefer telling my mom about certain things. He's a very organised person and for a messy person like me, it was surely a torture. He liked to get things done fast, and it sometimes killed me to. He got panic easily, which also scared me cos he would yell and say bad things. 

Beneath all that, he's the greatest man I've ever met in my entire life. 

He never broke my heart, he's the first protector instead. Sometimes I pitied him, realising the fact that he was often misunderstood by many people, even by his own family. Up until today, I still sometimes question myself why I didn't stand up by him back then when people thought he had an awful personality. He never failed to make the rest of the family and myself proud, even until the very last day his body could be seen on earth. This leads me to another question for myself ( or a rather statement ), that I never made him proud as much as he did to me. 

He was always firm, but soft instead. 

He looked tough, his voice was always loud. But he's the most sensitive man I have ever known. I could remember he always paid attention to poor people who live near our house. He would go outside one day and came with boxes of fried chicken. He would tell the housemaid to pack them up with drinks and give them away. Even my mum didn't really think about it that far. I could remember breaking up with my boyfriend after 2 years of relationship. I wanted to cry on his laps so bad like back on those days but I was so scared he would get mad because he had always taught me to be strong. One fine afternoon he called me when I was listening some sad-ass songs in my room. He didn't ask much but I knew he knew what was going on. He then hugged me and said:

"I love you, and I would never hurt you. But you will meet people who do but you have to always remember that you have me. And I taught you to be strong, to be firm. I could go now and kick his ass but you won't be able to stand up for yourself in the future if I do. You're gonna be okay. I know you will"

That was three years ago. 

Even last year, after the incident. I often came up to him and cried. I whined and talked about how things were going to be different now. How I missed those times when we could go out as a family, simply be happy together. I could see that he also wanted to cry but seeing me crying, he managed to hold his tears and calmed me down, saying:

"World is tough, you will expect things to happen as you plan but in reality, they don't. You will always have to be prepared for it. Don't be scared"

He was the only person I could relate to in the family.

Sure I could talk to my mum and my sister but I couldn't relate to them as much as I did to my dad. We were in synced. I have a thing for airplanes and jets, he did too. I have a thing for history, he did too. I understood me and he knew what to say every time I was confused. He didn't show that he understood me but he knew what to say. 

He was always firm. He would always have answers to my questions. 

He would always have some things to say and some logics to convey every time I was anxious or panic. On 2011, I failed my admission to Bandung Institute of Technology and I think its the most disappointing moment for him and also for myself. He was stationed in Jakarta back then, and every time he went back home, he wouldn't look at me or listen to my story. I could understand that. Any other people would probably blame their Dad and be offended instead. But I didn't. I blamed myself. It's a simple thing to do: getting into a University. At least it was easier than having to go back and forth Jakarta-Bandung every week to earn some money. It was my biggest failure I have ever given my Dad. I will always remember how I failed and even now that I made it to the exact university for my master's, I still can't get over the fact that it's too frikkin late. 

He wasn't always strong though. The last few months before he passed away, I often saw him cry. He would crumble in the middle of the night.

Do you know how it feels like to miss a person who you will never be able to see anymore? To have so many things in your mind but you can't tell him? The feeling when you want to hug him but you know for damn sure you can't? You can't only rely on prayers, which are so abstract. 

Do you know how it feels like to have your heart broken into pieces and you know it won't go back in shape? You will always have those cracks and souls inside your heart. 

Do you know how it feels like to question whether there will be another man who loves you as much as your dad did?

It's overwhelming. 

It's tiring.

It's surely confusing.

My world is just a dangerous place without him. At least I think I have manage to look as firm as he was but I'm broken inside. I don't trust people I meet, people I talk to. Every corner seems to be a dark place.

I know at the end of the day I will be fine. I will be fine. Because he said I would and I trust you. But at times like this, I just want to crumble on his laps, and having his hands stroking my hair like old times. 

I miss you, Pop.

Sudah Saatnyakah?

Hari ini hari Minggu. Semalam aku pulang cukup larut, yang tentunya dapat diprediksi dengan perdebatan sengit antara aku dan Ibu. Niatku keluar hanya untuk mengurusi kebutuhan Ibu, akan tetapi kupikir apa salahnya kalau aku mencari udara segar sendirian di tengah keramaian Kota Bandung. Singkat cerita, aku pulang terlalu larut. Meninggalkan Ibuku yang cemas, terus-terusan meneleponku tiap lima sampai sepuluh menit sekali.

Sepanjang jalan aku ijak pedal gas dalam-dalam, akan tetapi padatnya jalanan tidak jadi membuatku sampai lebih cepat. Dalam hati aku menggerutu, jalanan masih ramai dan riuh, mengapa Ibu sangat ketakutan? 

Sesampainya di rumah, benar saja, kedua bibir itu sudah melengkung ke bawah, lengkap juga dengan kerutan di antara dua matanya. Tidak akan selesai meski aku sudah di rumah, batinku. Benar saja, bertubi-tubi petuah kemudian dilontarkan Ibu. Dari menuduhku dengan kecerobohan manajemen waktu, sampai keluhan bahwa Ibu tidak bisa tidur, dilanjut dengan ancaman kalau seperti ini lagi umur Ibu bisa memendek 10 tahun. 

Aku melengos. Membatin sendiri. Ini pertama kalinya lagi aku keluar di malam minggu sendirian dalam tahun ini. Aku tergolong orang yang sering diam di rumah. Tanpa keterpaksaan, karena memang aku suka berada di rumah. Leyeh-leyeh. Akan tetapi, kegiatan dan teman-teman baru yang kudapatkan baru-baru ini membuatku ingin menghabiskan lebih banyak waktu di luar rumah, hanya untuk bertukar pikiran atau menghabiskan beberapa jam hanya untuk bersenda gurau. Sesekali. Aku kesal, kenapa malam ini jadi terlalu dibesar-besarkan? Seakan-akan aku sering sekali membuat Ibuku terjaga, dengan hati yang berdegup kencang menungguku pulang. Padahal sama sekali tidak. Apa dayaku yang hanya bisa diam mendengar semua nasihat dan keluhannya yang bisa dibilang tidak adil. Aku diam, dan akhirnya aku tertidur.

Pagi ini, Ibu kembali mengungkit masalah ini. Sudah kucoba menghindar dengan pergi pagi-pagi buta untuk mencuci mobil. Akan tetapi, layaknya rekaman yang disimpan dan bisa diputar kapan saja, Ibu ingat saja waktu aku pulang. Akan tetapi, bukan nasihat dan keluhan lagi. 

"Kamu cari pacar, dong. Biar kalau mau malam mingguan bisa bebas"

Aku tertegun. Umurku masih 23 tahun, baru lulus pendidikan Sarjana Strata 1 bulan Maret kemarin dan sekarang baru 2 minggu menjalani pendidikan pasca-sarjana. Ya, memang benar aku masih sendiri. Karena merasa risih, aku timpali sekenanya, "Mamah riweuh, malam minggu tuh jalanan masih rame mah, lagian masa punya pacar cuma buat malam mingguan aja".

Ibuku hanya tersenyum, masih ingin berbicara tapi terlihat enggan. Ibuku tahu, tidak perlu didebat lagi, aku sudah berpikir.

Selama 2 tahun ini aku memang sendiri. Tidak ada kekasih atau yang biasa disebut pacar. Hubungan terakhirku kandas setelah hampir 2 tahun dirajut. Ceritanya rumit, malas untuk kurunut. Sebulan dua bulan pertama semejak putus saat itu, masih kuingat betapa nelangsanya hari-hari kujalani. Sepi rasanya. Akan tetapi setelah itu sampai sekarang, aku rasa tidak begitu mengganggu. 

Aku besar sebagai anak terakhir dari dua bersaudara. Banyak yang bilang anak bungsu dimanja and I can't argue with that. Tetapi, perlu diingat semanja-manjanya aku di rumah ini, Ayahku tetap tidak memanjakanku, paling tidak manja dalam standar umum. Aku terbiasa melakukan semuanya sendiri, tidak bergantung pada orang lain. Duduk di cafe terdekat ataupun pulang malam dengan kendaraan sendiri sudah menjadi hal yang lumrah untukku. 

Sangat asing mendengar Ibu bicara tentang pacar sebagai teman malam minggu. Karena untukku arti kekasih lebih dari sekedar partner malam minggu. Aku tidak butuh ditemani pulang, tidak butuh diantar-antar. Seketika aku merasa hampa. Kekasih, sudah berapa lama aku lupa apa arti kekasih. Aku lupa rasanya bisa bertukar pikiran, lupa rasanya punya seseorang yang bisa mengarahkanku kemana harus berjalan saat aku kebingungan. Lupa juga rasanya bisa bersenda gurau sampai larut malam, melepas penat dengan senyum selebar-lebarnya. Lupa rasanya mengharapkan pandangan lain, pandangan dari seseorang yang berarti. Sedikit rindu juga pikirku.

Sekarang aku dilanda ketakutan. Setelah 2 tahun sendiri, aku takut menjadi terlalu hebat menjadi sendiri. Takut tumbuh menjadi wanita yang bebal dan tidak bisa mendengarkan orang lain. Takut merasa tidak butuh lelaki untuk sekedar berdiri.

Ah.

Sudah saatnya kah aku membuka mata dan mulai mencari?