Past Tense.

If you ever read this in the future (and I certainly hope you will) please, take note, and please, do understand. That empathy could do good sometimes. That compassion, sensitivity are things you should worry about. And please, do understand that self-image is not everything.

It has only been several months since the first time we sat in the coffee shop just around the corner and talked about little things, or shall I say, pep talks? First session we had, if only I had known that there would be many many sessions followed. If only I had known that this only the first of many of deceptive hang out sessions you wrapped just to get things done for your own purposes. I undermined you, I thought you were just a pretty face. I was wrong. You had something. Had.

We developed this bond, didn’t we? Or at least I thought we did. We became an instant bestfriend. At times when I felt disengaged with my new surroundings, I had you. Or at least I thought I did. At times when everyone was always in rush, I had you, moving thru the air. You were my bestfriend. Were.

People have been telling me bad things about you. That you take people for granted, that you use people for your own purposes. I thought it would not be fair if I listened to those people I barely know, if I listened to those hearsay. I thought it would be fair if I kept on going, getting to know you better, and eventually decide it myself, whether you were the person people had been telling me you were, or you were a complete opposite. 

We started out good. You were my good friend. I care deeply for you. For all the sorrows you went through within a very short of time. For all the drama you went through in a short period of time. For all the pain and the anger and everything you felt. For all the obligations you needed to get done. I care for you. I truly do. You were my good friend.

It went good for a while. Kindness after kindness. Cares after cares.

Until this past few days, something opened my eyes. You were my bestfriend. But I wasn’t yours.

Do you know how it feels like to be excluded? To be hidden? To be kept and casted away? To exist in certain times needed? It feels like shit. It feels awful. You treat me wrong, people have been telling me that but I cut you some slack because I thought I understood you. I certainly did not. You treat me as if I only worth 5 pages of you papers. 

You matter to me. You were my good friend. 

I deserve more than to be dismissed. I deserve more than to be excluded. I deserve to be more than a person you come to only at times you need help. I deserve to be treated as person, as a friend. As a great friend you always told me I was.

I know that you’re you. You don’t need anyone, isn’t that what you always tell me? I do know. That no one else matters to you. That everyone else is just an object. You can come and go and so can they. I do know you don’t care about it, you know, who goes and who comes. I am deeply sorry. I need to not to talk to you for a while. I need to distant myself. I need to get away from you. I’m not doing this so you will ask me to come back, I’m sure you won’t do it anyway. I’m doing this for me. I’m doing because I need to believe that I worth more than just a trash, or a dictionary, or a nerd, or a lackey. I’m doing this because I need to make sure that I’m precious, that I deserve to be treated better. I'm doing this because I need to believe that I matter. I’m doing this because no one else would, certainly not you.

I am really happy to see you happy. I was smiling the moment I saw you surrounded by, obviously, your friends. I’m happy that people care for you that much. Someone cares for you that much. I’m happy that you’re happy. 

I was going to wish you happiness, but then I realised, you always get what you want, let it be people or things, you can have everything and anyone so why would I wish you anything else?

Sad Shit You Wish You Hadn't Read

I’m going to pretend that I’m talking with you by writing on this virtual page. I know it’s a little pathetic since this would probably mean that I don’t have the actual guts to tell you this in person.

It has been tough week. It has been confusing these past few days. I can’t seem to be able to decipher my own feelings. All the feelings I have for you. The ones I didn’t think would ever come.

Twice. It has only been twice, but why do those two days stuck in my mind? Tangled up between other terrific memories I have. They shouldn’t be there. They should be on the other side of my brain: the one I won’t ever recall, the one I forget easily.

You’re nothing more than just a person who uses me for your own good. I’ve been aware of that, but I choose to be okay with it since isn’t it what we live for? To do something for other people? To have a use for others? I know I’m only a nerd shit you use to boost up your, ah, lets say, performances? So that you can look sharp and good in front of other people, those people you want to impress. I know it. But why do you have to make it so deceptive, as if you don’t? I know you do, all the laughs, the jokes, the personal stories, they’re all not entirely genuine. You always try to make it feel like it, but I know its not.

I will always help you, I care for you, deeply. Oh boy, I hate that I’m such a weak protagonist in this whole story but I am. I’ve always been. Genuine, is a trait that is inherited. I didn’t choose to be like this. I’m stupid, I know. But I do it anyway.

I’m not going to always be around for you. Not because I don’t want to, you know I will always want to help you. But who knows what’s gonna happen? I might get into my own trouble, I might get fucked up and you and I both know for sure you won’t do anything, cos I’m only a nerd, who you use for your own good. I know you always say that you can live on your own, you don’t need anyone, and you don’t need any help. Everyone else is insignificant, including me. Even if that time comes, you won’t even care if I leave. You will not. I know you will, you always get things done. But I’m not sure you will thrive. You can thrive, but you choose not to.

When that time comes, I want you to always be excellent. Cast away the laziness and sort out your priority. Believe me, you’ve been trying to look firm, like you own the world, like you stand still on these stormy lands, and everything but no, you don’t know who you are and what you are capable of just yet.

But I do, I know you are better than you think you are. I believe in you. I do.

I wish you all the goodness this world could ever offer. I wish you happiness and kindness.

Settling

To settle or not to settle? Seems to be a question I have been asking myself for the past, lets say, a year? Oh well. I believe I’m not the only person on earth who has been asking that type of question. I bet billions of people, both males or females, are asking the same question at the moment. Especially those people who are in the same age as I am.

My sister got married last November. Despite all the shitty drama we had to go through, they made it. They have settled. There has been some family events since that wedding day, and yes, you guess it right, I, now, am the one who gets all the stupid question about my turn. Not only I think the question is stupid, but I also think its irrelevant. Cos, mate, who do you think I am? Do you think I have some sort of power to know the future?

Anyhow, no, this is not the post about how annoying and maddening those type of questions are. I am going to talk about what I have written in the beginning of this post: to settle or not to settle? (and no, this is not about a case in the court, for fuck sake)

I have been single for almost 3 years now. My mom is worried to the extent that it is infuriating sometime. But I get it, I get why she’s so worried and anxious about it. It is definitely related to the fact that first, I am a woman, I have scary clock called biological clock, you know the reproductive system and all biological things you name it. Second, she’s scared that we she leaves, I’ll be left alone with no life cos ever since my Dad passed away, it has just been my Mum and I. I honestly have passed the point of pleasing my Mum in this matter.

Settling is not about pleasing others even the people you want to please is your own Mum Settling is all about necessity. Our own necessity.

Do I feel like its time for me to settle?

Truthfully, yeah, its not like I’m lonely and so solitary that I want to have someone, but its just, I think it would be nice to be able to settle with someone. To be safe and secured. I am completely aware that you probably won’t necessarily feel safe and secured when you settle with someone, but a part of you will certainly do.

I have this friend of mine, he doesn’t seem to have even a slight thought about settling anytime soon. I wonder what goes through his mind. Is he contained with what he has right now? Note to yourself that when I refer to “he”, it doesn’t mean that I’m actually referring to a “he”.

I mean, should we settle at the end of the day? Settling would cause a lot of trouble, wouldn’t it? Its not that hard to be faithful, this question doesn’t come up because of human tendency to be unfaithful. No. This question comes to the surface because our needs. Or even our desire.

I want to settle. But with the right one. I want to settle, but I don’t think this is the right timing. I haven’t found it. I haven’t had it, the urgency to settle.

I have someone in mind, whom I think would be really nice to settle with.

But what happen if we settle? Will we lose what we have right now? Cos What we have right now is more than enough. What we have might be even more magical than what we might have when we settle.