UNNECESSARY CONTEMPLATION

These past few weeks have been really tough for me. I am turning back into my old self 5 years ago, who overthink everything, who hesitates everything, who doubts everything, who is not brave enough to take risks. I have been questioning myself, what the hell is happening with me?

I have also been contemplating life these past few weeks. Definitely unnecessary thing since life is here to be lived not to be contemplated, but oh well, what am I supposed to do? 

I have been comparing my life with other's since the very first time I started my master's study. Not a wise thing to do, I know. I can see that most of these people have their own dynamics, fused with their personalities, backgrounds and state of mind. I'm starting to question, do I need to add more dramas to my life? Drama that I went through last year was surely overwhelming, even until this point, should I add more shits into it? No?

Life is hard the way it is. I may look like a spoiled brat, who has everything I've ever needed. But you see, no man has ever felt satisfied.

Major change is about to happen next week. Well it's not MY major change but I'm just too scared that it would change mine too. I can barely adjust myself with my new condition, and now I have to adjust it again. Will there be a change in the dynamics? Will there be a change in, well, anything?

I.

Need.

Something.

I do not know what I need but life seems to be too much but dull at the same time. This is bullshit I know. I need something to channel this shit out. Too many emotion and energy at the same time. I've been trying to do new things for instance reading new genre of books, watching new type of series, I have been straying from writing because it is just scary to look at the screen and go in depth within my thoughts and having to write them down is even scarier than it sounds. I have been talking to new friends, hanging out with them, you know, something that I am not fond of. It helped a little at the beginning but after a while I get nothing but money-less with all the money I have to spend for a glass of coffee in a coffee shop. 

I see this friend of mine, he has nothing going on other than girls he has been hitting on, or friends he can hang out with, or work that is waiting for him and other regular shits he's been working on. He has nothing going on in his mind. He doesn't over think everything. His life lights up like a christmas tree. Fuck it. It looks like he doesn't even think. He just lives his life the way it is. Shouldn't I be doing that as well? But fuck, how?

I.

Have.

Everything.

But it feels like I have nothing. This is not about being ungrateful. This is all about state-of-mind. A fucking peace I have left no idea where. A fucking stable thoughts I have abandoned no idea when. I overthink every single fucking details.

I need to do something about this since I am not a stupid teenager who choose to be blue all the time and thinks that life is shit. I need to just shove these feelings down my throat and suck it up. Life is hard. Get the fuck on with it.

Existence

Hi. I am currently filled with anger and rage. Yes. I am furious. I can feel my blood rushing down my spine, head, throat, uh, everywhere. I am raging inside out, if that's even a right term.

You see, people are so fucked up. You know, those people you meet in high school (frankly speaking, I still meet them too, and I am doing my Master's), who think so highly of themselves. Who think that they're always right, who think that everyone else is trash but them. Who are so stucked up to admit that they're wrong. Who belittle everyone else for being compassionate, for being human. Who thinks that they could walk on water and inhuman. Who are basically shit. If you're reading this and you think that this is all about you, well, it fucking is, you are trash.

We are all just a dot in this fucking messed up universe. I don't mean anything, I'm just a dot, one insignificant particle, scattered in this huge pile of mess. I don't matter. I am painfully aware that even if I am gone, or even if I walk away from someone else's life, things wouldn't change much. I am aware of that fact and possibility.

The thing is, there are some dickheads who think that it is okay to point that out. To point out that they can live alone and they can live without anyone else's presence. It is acceptable for them to point out, literally that everyone else does not matter.

I am probably left behind in term of how this self-claimed modern people think but what matters the most is to make everyone else who surrounds us feel that they're wanted. Our life  would mean something if we can make other people feel like they're needed and wanted. Even if I don't care whether they're around, I have to make them feel wanted. I have to make them feel like their existence means something in this world, at least for one person. Isn't it pretty if we all just do that instead of being so arrogant and, again, belittling everyone else's presence? Our life would mean something if we can do good to other people. Make the most out of your time in this world making other people happy, pleasing them, making them feel like they matter.

Rage is done.

Thank you.