Stages?

Since my last post, which the title pretty much explains, I have been receiving quite a few responds. I would love to say thank you for all the kind words, and the supports, especially those who are proud of me for being able to pass through this. Thank you, I really am thankful for those who have spared their time just to drop something nice in my inbox.

There are also a few people who asked, how I managed to stand up and went through it all? I got stoned when I read to question. Not only because I am not able to answer it, but also because I realize that I am not there yet and there’s still a long way ahead to be there. I do really hope by sharing this, people who are in the same position like I am, would be able to cope and be fine at the end.

It has been two months since that day. Well, when you go through a death of someone in your family, you will feel hurt. Have you ever gone through a really bad breakup? That feeling when you feel left out, and feel abandoned? Well, when it comes to death of someone, especially your closest ones, the feeling is similar, but million times worse.  In my experience, I have learnt that I have been passing through stages since that day, and I’m also thinking what stage I will be facing.

First, people will come. People will come and it will feel like the hole inside you are being filled up. You will get more attention. These people will say things that you hope can make you feel better. They will hug you, few of them will preach. At some point, you will think to yourself that things are probably not as bad as you think it will be, because you have everyone in your corner. The truth is, no. People can only talk, even those who have been through the same thing. There are two possibilities;  first, they do that for themselves because they feel sorry for you, which they must be. Second, they just don’t know what else to do, therefore, they position themselves as if they are you corner and they act like everything is going to be fine without actually knowing if it is. Don’t get me wrong, people do care for you. You are not alone, but the thing is, you are the one who has to deal with this. Don’t rely on them, and rely on yourself instead. Keep in mind that they have their own life to take care of, which means you are on your own.

The next thing is, you will feel alone. This can be a torture at first but bear in mind that you will get through this. You will be able to get out but the very first thing to do is to admit your situation. Adapt to it. It is hard, how can I tell? Because I am still in this phase. I am trying to admit that I am all alone now. I know people care, and of course they support me but at the end, I am the only one who has to take care of whatever it is that is going on in my life. I’m the only one who is responsible of everything that hasn’t been finished yet and I am the one who has to go on and re-write my plans. Not them. Admit that you are on your own. Admit that you carry much pain than any others.

It is hard. I believe it’s a human nature to need someone to just cry on. Dependency is human nature, it comes naturally. Moreover, for those who haven’t yet built a steady independent life, losing a Dad (or important figures, basically) will trigger them to have someone as a replacement: someone who can guide them and protect them. Needless to say, I do too. As hard as it can be, you (and I) should avoid this and try to admit the fact that you are alone and there’s nothing you can do about it.

Last but definitely not least, you will have to find something to ease your pain and to make you feel comfortable. For me, praying it is. Praying makes me feel better. I can’t deny that a part of me still questions whether prayers will do something effective, let alone they will change something. I do realize that prayers won’t help me cure my pain, they won’t heal any of them. But as far as I know, they will surely help me cope with things.

I really hope I can turn all the grieves into something powerful in the near future. People are asking, how am I standing up? I am not. I am still squatting.

I’m still not sure what’s the point of writing this. Some people may probably relate to this, and some others may not. I hope whoever read this and feel this will come to realize that this is all normal and everyone goes to the same phases and will turn out to be okay at the end. I guess I’m writing this also for the same purpose, to justify that I will be okay at the end of the day.