Another Milestone

This is a very late announcement, but anyway, I have finished my master's degree, folks! Yeah yeah I know, it has been roughly a month since my oral defence, and I had plenty of free times but somehow I did not spare any time to sit and write one of the most important milestone in my life on this platform. No excuse, I probably just suck at blogging. Boohoo.

Oh well yeah, after 2 years of going through this hard phase of "continuing my study but still broke as fuck" phase, I finally finished this degree and I am ready to get an actual job and make an actual money.

Now, you probably think, 

"when did you start your thesis? you have never even mentioned it here, duh"

Oh well, I kinda did give a hint on this on my post here but I didn't specifically mention that I was doing my thesis. Well anyway, thesis was waaay hard than the final project I did in undergraduate degree, which to be honest, I thought was the hardest. It was way hard in a way that I really started from scratch from looking for the company as my thesis' subject and identifying the business issues and eventually did tons of literature studies to come up with the solution that uh, anyway, had to be proposed to the company which means that the things that I wrote had to be applicable and make an actual improvement for the subject. Pft. Sometimes I wonder, how did I do it? Still questioning about it myself, folks. 

Looking back to the first time I enrolled for this program, I did not know what I was doing. What I know was I couldn't rely on my achievement at that moment and wasn't confident enough for the qualifications that I had. I needed to add my values. So off I signed up for this master. Half the program, I was even lost more than ever. But life always finds its way, eventually I knew what I was doing, I know what I want to do and I know how which part of this abundant of knowledge that will take me further. I found my way.

I am glad that its over. I am excited to enter the new phase of life that I have been waiting for this past 2 years. However, on the other hand, anxiety is creeping from behind and lurking from afar. Now that I will try to get a new job, I will have my own earnings and savings, there are so many things I need to learn and so many things I have to adapt myself into. Again, so many questions are starting to emerge,

"Will I be able to survive?"

"Will I be able to learn and grow?"

"How if I fail and suck at my job and get fired?"

Sometimes it goes too far,

"How if I die alone?"

Escalated quickly, I know.

I do, too, realise that now matter how scared I am and ready or not, this is happening, this is actually happening before my eyes and I have to walk right into it. For you who are reading this, whoever you are, please do wish me luck, since I could use some of that. 

Have a good day!

Ramadhan Kareem: Taking It For Granted

I always found Ramadhan as an opportunity or the time of the year where I could catch up with some old friends I wasn't even close with in high school for an iftar session. And its funny that over the years, this perspective has shifted without even realising it myself.

I'd take you back to a year ago when I did my internship outside my hometown. For the first time in my life I did a whole month of Ramadhan by myself. Preparing for Sahoor by myself and Iftar, too, by myself. It was a very exciting moment though, since that was the first time I got to have freedom on everything, I could just cook or go outside or order food, didn't really matter, it was all up to me. 

Up until this year's Ramadhan. It came into my realisation. It is a privilege to be able to spend Ramadhan with my family. It is a gift I had unconsciously been ignoring for the past years. I realised that I had been taking this for granted for 24 years of my life. I used to hate it when my parents say that "please make time to have your iftar at home", I could still remember how I annoyed I would be when I heard that speech every time I asked for permission to go out for iftar.

I may get a job outside my hometown next year and I may have to work extra hard, passes miles and miles of packed road just to get to home and have iftar with my family. Now that I have that chance without even trying, I am making the most out of it. I have actively been declining many iftar invitations, for the sake of this reason. This could be my last year of being able to sit down in my kitchen waiting for the food to come out, laughing with my Mom and having early dinner with her. God knows at the exact moment next year, I will still be working at my office, trying to sip a cup of coffee or tea for iftar, or if I'm lucky enough to be at home at iftar time, I will still have to find out what to eat, by myself.

Sometimes we always take small things like this for granted. We don't realise how precious this small moment until we arrive at the stage where we need to work hard to get it, until we realise that we miss it. I have been missing this moment and literally tossing it away. 

Oh, hey, I'm Back? (Kind Of)

It has been almost a year since the last time I posted something in here. Oh well, so much dedication for a blogger, eh? I know, I know. No excuse, nothing. I always have so much in mind but sometimes it is just too much to put them into words. I have lost it, folks.. I certainly have..

Well, life has been treating me okay these days. I have been going on the same thing over and over again. Classes and everything. Oh wait, correction, classes are over, the only thing I have to do is my thesis. Ah, yes, you might be thinking, how time went by so fast, eh? I feel it too. It feels like yesterday I just wrote my own experience going through several tests to get in, now I am doing my thesis? How crazy, eh?

I had a really nice trip at the end of 2017, though. A trip I have been waiting all my life. A Europe Trip! Well, for some of you, going on a trip is probably just, well, going on a trip, sightseeing, shopping, taking pictures for your Instagram feeds probably, and probably for some of you, going on a trip abroad may be used a tool to brag (a kind of advantage I don't see the point of). I did not have any expectation for this trip at the beginning other than going to Europe and see things I had always wanted to see. The Vatican, leaning tower of Pisa, Amsterdam Canal, beautiful intersections on the streets of Paris, Les Invallides, and so many more. Places and landmarks I had always dreamed of visiting.

But this trip turned out to be a beyond-expectation-kind-of-trip. Why? Let me break this down.

First off, I had always read and seen these places on TV, books, social medias and everything. I thought to myself, it would be nice to see them but I knew them anyway. But, well, this was expected though, it was still surreal to see them in real life. 

Second, and probably the highlight of this story afterall, is how this trip gave me an overwhelming insight of how this world is endless. On how many places I haven't seen or visited. So many corners I have not yet seen. All this time I have been living in my hometown, under a solid roof, sleep under a warm blanket. I felt enough since I love reading books. I felt like I knew things. I always thought that with reading books, you can go beyond places. But no, reading and actually visiting these places are a completely different thing. It does a completely different thing to you and it gives a whole lot different perspective on how you see life itself. So many people we could meet. So many culture to adore. This life is too short to spend just in one place your whole life. World is endless, indeed.

My master life is ending soon. I get a little anxious everytime I think of where this life would lead me, what I would do, what the future holds for me. Seeing all these people with their working-life, my patience to go on the same pace is running low. I am excited to see what's next. So many things I could try once I finish this step.

Anyhow,

This thesis things is starting to get into my nerve. Its obviously different from what I did for my final assignment in bachelor degree. A little note though, I am so thankful that I get to work on things I'm passionate about.

I've lost my ability as well as my desire to write. This is probably due a shift in my head. I used to be a thinker, a heavy thinker. Which sometimes could be so overwhelming that I needed to let go by writing. I take things slow now, I have trained myself not to overthink and I have been doing well so far, therefore, I rarely feel the urge to write any longer. 

However, for the last few days, I have come into a realisation that my life has been so much different this past year. I have become such a different person within 365 days (almost). Sometimes we don't realise our own milestone, what we have achieved, how our perspectives towards things have changed within a very short period of time. I often forget too. But then I know that writing could be a reminder. A reminder for how much I have grown. Or a reminder for what kind of person I used to be if I stray on the wrong way in the future. 

I will, or should, start writing again, shouldn't I?

Lets see how this would go, will I be able to stick to this thought? Or is it just me bailing from the thesis I have to write?

Oh well..

Time

I was on my way with a friend, couple minutes ago. We planned to hang out and spend our Saturday together, well, with no shame I dare to say that I asked this person personally to come and be a company for me while doing my assignments. He has done the same thing couple times so I thought to myself, why not asking him the same thing? So, off we went looking for a place to sit and do my shitty assignments. Long story short, he had better thing to do, and asked me politely to wait for him for few hours because he really needed to go.

Well, I'm fine with this stuff, other girls will probably whine about this, how a guy doesn't appreciate their existence, and how they can't treat them like a princess by asking them to wait while he's doing his thing. Honestly, I am fine with this. People have their own priority and I do too. If the situation was reversed, I would have done the same thing: left him alone and off doing something I thought was more important.

What I despite the most about this situation is how my schedule is ruined. I am so uptight when it comes to schedule, I even hate myself for this. Once I plan something, I do it meticulously, hour to hour, minutes per minutes, people involved and all that kind of shit. Once it gets ruined, I will definitely be stoned, confused, angry, well bottom line is I will be screwed once my plan gets fucked up. I do not know if I should put this on my strength list or the opposite. I am super organised, it sometimes kills me and of course, it annoys people around me. I am not fun, if fun refers to being spontaneous.

I have always been taught to take time seriously. Being raised in a military family would probably give you this as a trait. I have always been told that you can't take back time, just like you can't take back words that you have been said, therefore you have to spend it carefully and wisely so that minutes per minutes you spend wouldn't be a waste. I take time seriously. I take every minute I spend gracefully and I want to mean something. Don't get me wrong, I often spend time contemplating life, which superficially sounds bullshit, well what sounds more bullshit than being in your own thoughts and rethinking about your life, every decisions that you make and some sad philosophy shit like that.

Time is important. You can not go back. You can not draw back the time you have spent. Time is precious. Use it well. It doesn't mean you shouldn't sit down and slow down. What I'm trying to say is, use it well. If you want to spend 3 hours watching netflix and chill, you can do it, but do it well. Enjoy every second of every minute the way you want it to be. Life is too short to spend it by doing things you think would waste your time.

STOP.

Hi! These past two days have been a shitstorm. Buka media social semuanya update tentang vonis Ahok, yang pada akhirnya harus divonis 2 tahun penjara. This blasphemy trial had been going on and on for these past two months. Eksploitasi media, long-march, rusuh, you name it all udah mewarnai jalannya trial. So yesterday, it finally came to an end. For those of you who have no idea what this is all about, please read the complete story here (for those of you who don't speak Indonesian) and here for my fellow Indonesian. 

So, yes, these past few days have been a complete shitstorm. Shitstorm in terms apa sih? Jujur, gue bukan warga Jakarta, gak pernah tinggal di Jakarta juga. Tapi shitstorm yang gue maksud disini adalah how the reactions regarding this case exploded after the verdict; semua orang kayanya mendadak paham hukum dan paham kasusnya. Semua orang mendadak peduli sama ini, baik orang Jakarta atau bukan. Ada yang jadi preachers mendadak, ada yang tiba tiba peduli keadilan. Ada yang mendadak nasionalis bilang malu sama negeri sendiri karena kasus ini. 

Gue disini ga akan berasa paling paham hukum, paling ngerti duduk perkara kasusnya. Gue disini cuma jadi orang Bandung, 23 tahun jalan 24 tahun, gak paham paham amat hukum, minim pengalaman, minim pengetahuan, nasionalis level moderat dan cuma mahasiswa S2 yang finansial aja masih offside minta ke orang tua. Note that.

My stake on this is not on the religious side or political side. Udah eneg liat ulasan dari sisi agama, atau dari sisi hukum. Gue nulis ini dari sisi dan kapasitas gue aja, yang gue sebut di atas. Ini post juga ditujukan buat yang ngerasa satu level sama gue, punya kapasitas dan berada di stage hidup yang sama. If this is irrelevant for those of you who are much more experienced, then feel free to just laugh or teach us, or even better close the tab and do not read this at all.

Bro, Sis, coba tanya diri sendiri deh, lo lo pada ini tuh update prihatinlah, malu lah, dan lain lain tetek bengeknya tuh biar apa?

Pertama, buat kategori yang cuma ngikut doang, lo paham beneran kasusnya atau lo cuma pengen keliatan lo update sih? Untungnya apa sih kalau keliatan update? This is beyond ridiculous. Emang ya sosial media hak siapapun, mau update apapun terserah tapi duh, gatel gue. Pertanyaan gue cuma satu, biar apa? Ya who knows yang beneran tau sama yang gak tau dan cuma ikut ikutan ya.

Kedua, buat kategori yang emang paham dan emang ngerti hukum, baik itu yang dukung keputusan atau yang menentang. Lads, buat yang paham nih, mau story instagram atau snapchat lo sampe berjam jam lo ngomong teori juga lo pikir yang punya power bakalan buka insta story lo gitu? Terus bakalan ngaruh? Then again, biar apa? Terus buat yang gak paham tapi cuma baca selewat-selewat doang, lo lebih lebih lagi dah speechless gue. Pernah ngerasain jadi hakim lo? Makanya koar koar bilang ga adil, sistem peradilan cacatlah segala macem. Elah. Udah lulus S1 belom lo?

Ketiga, buat yang mendadak nasionalis, atau yang emang nasionalis beneran, terus bilang malu karena kasusnya udah sampe didenger PBB, lah, kapan lo pernah bangga jadi orang Indonesia? Terus emang lo udah pernah ngapain biar naikin harkat derajat Indonesia? Ada juga yang pengen tiba tiba pindah ke Canada, lo becanda apa serius doesn't matter, mental lo cemen.

Terakhir, yang paling geli, those religious pricks, yang bawa bawa ayat ini itu, hahahah solat udah lima waktu belum bro sis? Jumatan bolos mulu gak? Baca Qur'an gak? 

Gue bukannya nyinyir atau being all salty about this. Gue realistis aja, kalau ada yang bilang "at least gue speak up", balik lagi gue tanya, lo speak up lalu apa? Kapasistas lo emang udah didenger? Lo siapa sih sekarang? Bakal didenger? Kalau ini jaman dulu waktu mahasiswa dianggep dewa sih masih make sense.

Nih ya, gue sadar betul gue cuma remah remah kueh di Indonesia ini. Gue gak pernah being overly proud being Indonesian atau ashamed when these kind of cases happened. Kalau dibaca blog gue ini juga gak banyak gue ngomong politik, pemerintahan atau tentang Indonesia. I was raised in a military family, of course I have a really high sense of nationalism. Tapi gue sadar, kapasitas gue belum mumpuni buat ikut komentar sama apa yang terjadi. Buat lo lo pada yang emang udah punya pengalaman, udah paham betul sama sistem pemerintahan negara ini, I salute you, I hope to be like you all someday, please do something. Buat yang lain, yang level nya masih sama gue atau slightly di atas gue atau di bawah gue, STOP USING SOCIAL MEDIA TO DO EVERYTHING IT IS YOU'RE DOING FOR GOD'S SAKE. Cause its pointless. 

You know what's not pointless? If you do something about it, join a political party, sekolah yang bener, baca yang banyak, or actually write an article and post it on local newspaper instead of writing on you Twitter, Instagram and putting all of these silly hastags.

Focus on what you're doing right now for a better Indonesia. Don't get caught up in the current political dramas, don't criticize too much about what is happening. Look forward instead. Know your potential and what you can do in the future to make it better. I spent my high school surrounded by those idealistic people, those people who somehow shaped me into an idealistic human beings as well. Idealisme itu satu satunya senjata kita, as Soekarno said back on those days. Jangan sekarang lo bacot ngemeng mulu, lalu lo napsu jadi pejabat biar ngasih perubahan tapi begitu lo duduk di kursi kekuasaan karena idealisme lo nol lo korupsi lagi, lo main cewek lagi, lo jalan jalan ke luar negri beli tas dan makeup mahal pake duit negara lagi.

My point is, see beyond the present. See the future and place yourself in the future. What you can do in the future. Gak melulu harus dengan political paths, ya find out what you're good at and focus on that. Gak ada ceritanya "gimana orang pinter mau stick di Indonesia sekarang aja orang yang bener malah di penjara", this is what I call a logic flaw, hon. Kalau semua gini lalu pada akhirnya semua cabut karena takut di penjara, ya sama sama aja. Again, place yourself in the future. Do not lose hope.  

Gak usah malu karena satu kasus, Indonesia is more than its so-called fucked up political systems. Of course this case affected our economy, reputation and shits tapi value negara gak hanya diliat dari sistem pemerintahan ataupun sistem politiknya.

I don't wanna write any further karena semua based on opini gue yang belum pasti validitasnya. Tapi please, stop sekali lagi with the hastags cos there's no use in putting them on your status or updates. Mending lo update yang lain. Atau gak usah update dan drown yourself in books or get tangled up in education.

Don't get offended by this post, please. Gue gatel pengen nulis ginian, daripada gue bikin di insta story atau nulis caption panjang di Instagram dengan foto yang gak relatable atau monolog sendiri di Snapchat mending gue nulis di platform yang lebih proper seperti blog gue. 

Thank you who have read this til the end. I do not mean to offend anyone, please do realise that.

Bandung, 6-5-2017, 19:16

Kembali lagi aku harus merantau pergi, meninggalkan segala yang ada di kandangku ini. Ah, harusnya segalanya terasa terakselerasi, tapi mengkerut rasanya hati ini.

Aku suka Bandung. Cuacanya, yang kata orang sudah tidak sedingin dahulu kala. Tetesan hujannya, yang membuat tenang ingin meringkuk di bawah selimut hangat. Bahkan mungkin macetnya, yang katanya semakin hari semakin menyiksa.

Hanya hitungan jam, setelah tiga tahun yang lalu, aku kembali lagi disini. Tiga tahun yang lalu, situasi yang sama, perasaan yang terpaut jauh berbeda. Ah, rasanya dada ini selalu sesak kalau mengingat bagaimana waktu berlalu sangat cepat. Tambah sulit lagi nafas ini ditarik saat lagi sadar dalam waktu yang berlari secepat kijang, banyak pula yang hal yang silih berganti dan hilang.

Hidup kadang lucu. Ditaruhnya lagi aku di tempat ini.  Mati matian aku berjanji tidak lagi laginya kembali ke tempat itu. Sumpah serapah dalam hati di dua puluh empat jam pertama aku terduduk disitu. Tapi disinilah aku lagi.

Hidup kadang lucu. Dimintanya lagi aku untuk beradaptasi. Saat semuanya sudah berhenti berputar, sudah duduk dengan tenang, kembali dia bangun lalu bisikkan “kembali lagi kamu harus menari”.

Aku takut. Tidak pernah aku semenciut ini.

Mungkin karena kotanya. Terlalu bising. Aku suka tenang. Terlalu padat. Aku suka kosong. Terlalu… palsu? Jelas bukan yang aku mau.

Kadang penat, padahal belum juga aku melangkah. Lihat saja dari kata kata ini, terlalu banyak diksi yang aku rajah.

Akan jadi apa besok? Dan lusa?

Akan bagaimana tidurku besok? Dan lusa?

Akan bagaimana semuanya? Karena aku pun mungkin sudah berubah. Sudah tidak selincah dulu. Sudah terlalu banyak yang dituju.

Andai aku ini lugu. Semua mungkin lurus.

Terlalu banyak huruf U, dan sekarang nafasku memburu.

Oh, ya, kamu. Ingin sekali aku berkeluh kesah padamu. Tapi nampaknya sudah mulai ketara jauh berbeda yang kau pilih di hidupmu dan hidupku. Sepertinya kau suka hiruk pikuk itu. Kebalikanku yang membencinya sampai ke tulang rusukku. Tapi sudahlah, hari ini aku menulis bukan untukmu.

Tuhan, aku sungguh berlebihan. Tuhan, mohon maafkan. Aku tidak mau tidur, tidak mau jam jam terakhir ini kulewatkan dengan mata terpejam. 

Aku tidak mau pergi.