Sad Shit You Wish You Hadn't Read

I’m going to pretend that I’m talking with you by writing on this virtual page. I know it’s a little pathetic since this would probably mean that I don’t have the actual guts to tell you this in person.

It has been tough week. It has been confusing these past few days. I can’t seem to be able to decipher my own feelings. All the feelings I have for you. The ones I didn’t think would ever come.

Twice. It has only been twice, but why do those two days stuck in my mind? Tangled up between other terrific memories I have. They shouldn’t be there. They should be on the other side of my brain: the one I won’t ever recall, the one I forget easily.

You’re nothing more than just a person who uses me for your own good. I’ve been aware of that, but I choose to be okay with it since isn’t it what we live for? To do something for other people? To have a use for others? I know I’m only a nerd shit you use to boost up your, ah, lets say, performances? So that you can look sharp and good in front of other people, those people you want to impress. I know it. But why do you have to make it so deceptive, as if you don’t? I know you do, all the laughs, the jokes, the personal stories, they’re all not entirely genuine. You always try to make it feel like it, but I know its not.

I will always help you, I care for you, deeply. Oh boy, I hate that I’m such a weak protagonist in this whole story but I am. I’ve always been. Genuine, is a trait that is inherited. I didn’t choose to be like this. I’m stupid, I know. But I do it anyway.

I’m not going to always be around for you. Not because I don’t want to, you know I will always want to help you. But who knows what’s gonna happen? I might get into my own trouble, I might get fucked up and you and I both know for sure you won’t do anything, cos I’m only a nerd, who you use for your own good. I know you always say that you can live on your own, you don’t need anyone, and you don’t need any help. Everyone else is insignificant, including me. Even if that time comes, you won’t even care if I leave. You will not. I know you will, you always get things done. But I’m not sure you will thrive. You can thrive, but you choose not to.

When that time comes, I want you to always be excellent. Cast away the laziness and sort out your priority. Believe me, you’ve been trying to look firm, like you own the world, like you stand still on these stormy lands, and everything but no, you don’t know who you are and what you are capable of just yet.

But I do, I know you are better than you think you are. I believe in you. I do.

I wish you all the goodness this world could ever offer. I wish you happiness and kindness.