It
has only been several months since the first time we sat in the coffee shop
just around the corner and talked about little things, or shall I say, pep
talks? First session we had, if only I had known that there would be many many
sessions followed. If only I had known that this only the first of many of deceptive hang out sessions you wrapped just to get things done for your own purposes. I undermined you, I thought you were just a pretty face. I
was wrong. You had something. Had.
We
developed this bond, didn’t we? Or at least I thought we did. We became an instant
bestfriend. At times when I felt disengaged with my new surroundings, I had
you. Or at least I thought I did. At times when everyone was always in rush, I
had you, moving thru the air. You were my bestfriend. Were.
People
have been telling me bad things about you. That you take people for granted,
that you use people for your own purposes. I thought it would not be fair if I
listened to those people I barely know, if I listened to those hearsay. I
thought it would be fair if I kept on going, getting to know you better, and
eventually decide it myself, whether you were the person people had been
telling me you were, or you were a complete opposite.
We
started out good. You were my good friend. I care deeply for you. For all the
sorrows you went through within a very short of time. For all the drama you
went through in a short period of time. For all the pain and the anger and
everything you felt. For all the obligations you needed to get done. I care for
you. I truly do. You were my good friend.
It
went good for a while. Kindness after kindness. Cares after cares.
Until
this past few days, something opened my eyes. You were my bestfriend. But I wasn’t
yours.
Do
you know how it feels like to be excluded? To be hidden? To be kept and casted
away? To exist in certain times needed? It feels like shit. It feels awful. You treat me wrong, people have been telling me that but I cut you some slack because I thought I understood you. I certainly did not. You treat me as if I only worth 5 pages of you papers.
You matter to me. You were my good friend.
I
deserve more than to be dismissed. I deserve more than to be excluded. I
deserve to be more than a person you come to only at times you need help. I
deserve to be treated as person, as a friend. As a great friend you always told
me I was.
I
know that you’re you. You don’t need anyone, isn’t that what you always tell
me? I do know. That no one else matters to you. That everyone else is just an
object. You can come and go and so can they. I do know you don’t care about it,
you know, who goes and who comes. I am deeply sorry. I need to not to talk to
you for a while. I need to distant myself. I need to get away from you. I’m not
doing this so you will ask me to come back, I’m sure you won’t do it anyway. I’m
doing this for me. I’m doing because I need to believe that I worth more than
just a trash, or a dictionary, or a nerd, or a lackey. I’m doing this because I need to make sure that I’m precious,
that I deserve to be treated better. I'm doing this because I need to believe that I matter. I’m doing this because no one else would,
certainly not you.
I
am really happy to see you happy. I was smiling the moment I saw you surrounded
by, obviously, your friends. I’m happy that people care for you that much. Someone
cares for you that much. I’m happy that you’re happy.
I was going to wish you
happiness, but then I realised, you always get what you want, let it be people
or things, you can have everything and anyone so why would I wish you anything
else?
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