UNNECESSARY CONTEMPLATION

These past few weeks have been really tough for me. I am turning back into my old self 5 years ago, who overthink everything, who hesitates everything, who doubts everything, who is not brave enough to take risks. I have been questioning myself, what the hell is happening with me?

I have also been contemplating life these past few weeks. Definitely unnecessary thing since life is here to be lived not to be contemplated, but oh well, what am I supposed to do? 

I have been comparing my life with other's since the very first time I started my master's study. Not a wise thing to do, I know. I can see that most of these people have their own dynamics, fused with their personalities, backgrounds and state of mind. I'm starting to question, do I need to add more dramas to my life? Drama that I went through last year was surely overwhelming, even until this point, should I add more shits into it? No?

Life is hard the way it is. I may look like a spoiled brat, who has everything I've ever needed. But you see, no man has ever felt satisfied.

Major change is about to happen next week. Well it's not MY major change but I'm just too scared that it would change mine too. I can barely adjust myself with my new condition, and now I have to adjust it again. Will there be a change in the dynamics? Will there be a change in, well, anything?

I.

Need.

Something.

I do not know what I need but life seems to be too much but dull at the same time. This is bullshit I know. I need something to channel this shit out. Too many emotion and energy at the same time. I've been trying to do new things for instance reading new genre of books, watching new type of series, I have been straying from writing because it is just scary to look at the screen and go in depth within my thoughts and having to write them down is even scarier than it sounds. I have been talking to new friends, hanging out with them, you know, something that I am not fond of. It helped a little at the beginning but after a while I get nothing but money-less with all the money I have to spend for a glass of coffee in a coffee shop. 

I see this friend of mine, he has nothing going on other than girls he has been hitting on, or friends he can hang out with, or work that is waiting for him and other regular shits he's been working on. He has nothing going on in his mind. He doesn't over think everything. His life lights up like a christmas tree. Fuck it. It looks like he doesn't even think. He just lives his life the way it is. Shouldn't I be doing that as well? But fuck, how?

I.

Have.

Everything.

But it feels like I have nothing. This is not about being ungrateful. This is all about state-of-mind. A fucking peace I have left no idea where. A fucking stable thoughts I have abandoned no idea when. I overthink every single fucking details.

I need to do something about this since I am not a stupid teenager who choose to be blue all the time and thinks that life is shit. I need to just shove these feelings down my throat and suck it up. Life is hard. Get the fuck on with it.

Existence

Hi. I am currently filled with anger and rage. Yes. I am furious. I can feel my blood rushing down my spine, head, throat, uh, everywhere. I am raging inside out, if that's even a right term.

You see, people are so fucked up. You know, those people you meet in high school (frankly speaking, I still meet them too, and I am doing my Master's), who think so highly of themselves. Who think that they're always right, who think that everyone else is trash but them. Who are so stucked up to admit that they're wrong. Who belittle everyone else for being compassionate, for being human. Who thinks that they could walk on water and inhuman. Who are basically shit. If you're reading this and you think that this is all about you, well, it fucking is, you are trash.

We are all just a dot in this fucking messed up universe. I don't mean anything, I'm just a dot, one insignificant particle, scattered in this huge pile of mess. I don't matter. I am painfully aware that even if I am gone, or even if I walk away from someone else's life, things wouldn't change much. I am aware of that fact and possibility.

The thing is, there are some dickheads who think that it is okay to point that out. To point out that they can live alone and they can live without anyone else's presence. It is acceptable for them to point out, literally that everyone else does not matter.

I am probably left behind in term of how this self-claimed modern people think but what matters the most is to make everyone else who surrounds us feel that they're wanted. Our life  would mean something if we can make other people feel like they're needed and wanted. Even if I don't care whether they're around, I have to make them feel wanted. I have to make them feel like their existence means something in this world, at least for one person. Isn't it pretty if we all just do that instead of being so arrogant and, again, belittling everyone else's presence? Our life would mean something if we can do good to other people. Make the most out of your time in this world making other people happy, pleasing them, making them feel like they matter.

Rage is done.

Thank you.

Dear, Pop

Dear, Pop.

I don't know how many times I have dedicated a post on my blog for you. I am not sure but since you did love writing and apparently you inherited that to me, it soothes me everytime I write something for you here. It feels like somehow you read them. And I still can talk to you. And while I'm typing these words on to the virtual world, I can also hear you responding and replying to me. It feels like talking to you. It feels like old times.

Pop, Master's life is going fine. I am starting to question whether I have made a wrong decision by choosing this, since so far, it has been going on far from what I expected at the very beginning. From those new people I have met, til the new subjects I have been learning for almost a month. I think I haven't been adjusted, just yet. I am not gonna lie but I've been having some thoughts about quitting and taking another major instead. I think you'd definitely gonna yell at me if you were still around. I can assure you that this is only and will only be a thought. You taught me well, I know that I have to finish all things I start, including this one. I have to be responsible for whatever choices I have made. I'm sticking to that teaching. You, again, taught me well.

Do you remember the last time I broke up with my ex-boyfriend? When you said that there'd be millions of other guys who would break my heart but you said that was life was all about? Trial and errors are not only in engineering calculations but as well as in life, you said. You told me it would all be okay to have your heart broken because I would always have you to mend and fix it as if nothing had happened. 

Well, I don't know about that now, Pop. 

Should I open myself up? It could be dangerous. Clearly. Losing you is the most painful breakup I have even been through, I don't think there'll be other breakup that will hurt as much as losing you, won't they? No one can break my heart because I won't let them break what you have fixed.

It's not the heart-broken feelings I'm afraid of. 

It's your replacement I'm terrified of. I don't want you to be replaced. You will never be replaced. 

I'm suffering from trust issues, Pop. Will there ever be a man who will protect me as much as you did? A man who will always lead me and make me a better person that I already am? A man who trusts me as much as you did? Will they? 

Because this place is high up there. 

Pop, I am not up for any kind of games, really. I am terrified that I am just a trial and error step, not the final result. 

I have the place to offer. Deep down inside next to my heartbeat, next to you. 

Pop, what should I do? What if my heart gets broken and shattered? No one to fix and mend it. Not anymore.

Pop, you are listening, aren't you? I am scared. I know you told me not to be scared of anything except God, but Pop, world is terrifying, every corners and turns now that you're nowhere around. 

What should I do?

23: Self Reflection

Last Saturday, I turned 23.

I don't know how to feel about this. For me, birthdays are just regular days. Nothing special. And for me aging isn't something I should celebrate cos it means that your days on earth are becoming less and less. Birthdays aren't special, especially now that my dad isn't around.

I used to like birthdays, though. I was a fan of surprises, cakes and gifts. I still remember on my 5th birthdays, my parents threw me a birthday party. All my friends in neighborhood came, sang a birthday song, and they gave me bunch of wrapped gifts. I wore my best dress, a tutu skirt, which, honestly speaking, I loathed with a passion cos it felt itchy. I was happy.

On my teenage days, I remember I still had thing for birthdays, but not for my own. I loved giving surprises to closest friends but I started to feel anxious every time my birthday was around the corner.

Now that I'm 23, I realise that birthdays are just regular days.

My own perception and view about birthdays are different. I always think to myself a day before my birthdays: what have I accomplished for one year? Have I improved myself? Have I changed? Have I become better that the person I was a year ago? What have I given to people around me? To the world? Have I done something significant for this past a year?

Then I would be drown in my own thoughts. Why? Cos normally I would feel like my life for the past a year was just a waste.

This year is different.

For this past a year, I have been through a lot. From a fucked up family drama, stressful thesis and of course, the loss of my loved one. It would be a complete lie if I say I hadn't changed, even if it was just a little bit of change. I have changed, a lot, in many ways. Probably not superficially but definitely internally. I perceive things differently now.

I realise that things don't usually go the way you want them to be and the way you plan them to be. You have to have plans for every single little things in the world. Humans would die in a second if they don't have plans. I believe that many people now this and actually have been implementing this their entire life. I also have been doing the same thing to. What I know now is, if things don't go the way you plan, you are going to be just fine at the end cos no matter what happen, it will all be okay. It will all turn out to be okay at the end of the day.

People leave. Cliche. But they certainly always do. No matter how much you love them or they love you, they will always leave. Willingly or unwillingly. It will be painful, but then again, you will get by and eventually you will be fine at the end of the day.

I believe I have changed into a whole lot better person. I used to be all over the place, unable to control my own emotion. I couldn't look beyond bad things that had occurred to me. I used to be so stubborn, but yet I got carried away pretty much easily.

This year, I believe I have found my own stand, my own pathways of life. The clear one. I know what kind of person I am right now, and what I want to become. I know things that I want to do, I don't want to do, I should do or even I shouldn't do. The lists are still going but I have managed to start the list: something I hadn't been able to do for 22 years old.

This past a year has shaped me into a stronger being.

I Miss You, Pop

I'm currently sitting in a coffee shop around the corner. All by myself. I had a dream last night. About my Dad. In my dream, I was driving around with him, just the two of us. He looked so happy. We were driving in the area which seemed like an airport runway, which was so much of a coincidence since its one of my most favourite places. We were driving, and checking out many planes that were parked in the hangar. He explained me about jets, and fighters. Boeing and Airbus. Exactly like he always did. I woke up feeling empty. It's still the same. It has been more than 100 days since he left me but the emptiness is still there.

One of my earliest memory was being on my Dad's laps where he always did this thing with them. I would giggle and he would kiss me on my cheek. I was always close to him. People say that I was always his favourite. He was too. I love my mom and my dad equally incase you're wondering. But this post is a tribute to my dad. I know its not common that a daughter could be super close with her dad, since she would naturally be drawn more to her mom, but its different with me.

He wasn't always my favourite person on earth, though. 

Sometimes I could be so scared of him that much that I would prefer telling my mom about certain things. He's a very organised person and for a messy person like me, it was surely a torture. He liked to get things done fast, and it sometimes killed me to. He got panic easily, which also scared me cos he would yell and say bad things. 

Beneath all that, he's the greatest man I've ever met in my entire life. 

He never broke my heart, he's the first protector instead. Sometimes I pitied him, realising the fact that he was often misunderstood by many people, even by his own family. Up until today, I still sometimes question myself why I didn't stand up by him back then when people thought he had an awful personality. He never failed to make the rest of the family and myself proud, even until the very last day his body could be seen on earth. This leads me to another question for myself ( or a rather statement ), that I never made him proud as much as he did to me. 

He was always firm, but soft instead. 

He looked tough, his voice was always loud. But he's the most sensitive man I have ever known. I could remember he always paid attention to poor people who live near our house. He would go outside one day and came with boxes of fried chicken. He would tell the housemaid to pack them up with drinks and give them away. Even my mum didn't really think about it that far. I could remember breaking up with my boyfriend after 2 years of relationship. I wanted to cry on his laps so bad like back on those days but I was so scared he would get mad because he had always taught me to be strong. One fine afternoon he called me when I was listening some sad-ass songs in my room. He didn't ask much but I knew he knew what was going on. He then hugged me and said:

"I love you, and I would never hurt you. But you will meet people who do but you have to always remember that you have me. And I taught you to be strong, to be firm. I could go now and kick his ass but you won't be able to stand up for yourself in the future if I do. You're gonna be okay. I know you will"

That was three years ago. 

Even last year, after the incident. I often came up to him and cried. I whined and talked about how things were going to be different now. How I missed those times when we could go out as a family, simply be happy together. I could see that he also wanted to cry but seeing me crying, he managed to hold his tears and calmed me down, saying:

"World is tough, you will expect things to happen as you plan but in reality, they don't. You will always have to be prepared for it. Don't be scared"

He was the only person I could relate to in the family.

Sure I could talk to my mum and my sister but I couldn't relate to them as much as I did to my dad. We were in synced. I have a thing for airplanes and jets, he did too. I have a thing for history, he did too. I understood me and he knew what to say every time I was confused. He didn't show that he understood me but he knew what to say. 

He was always firm. He would always have answers to my questions. 

He would always have some things to say and some logics to convey every time I was anxious or panic. On 2011, I failed my admission to Bandung Institute of Technology and I think its the most disappointing moment for him and also for myself. He was stationed in Jakarta back then, and every time he went back home, he wouldn't look at me or listen to my story. I could understand that. Any other people would probably blame their Dad and be offended instead. But I didn't. I blamed myself. It's a simple thing to do: getting into a University. At least it was easier than having to go back and forth Jakarta-Bandung every week to earn some money. It was my biggest failure I have ever given my Dad. I will always remember how I failed and even now that I made it to the exact university for my master's, I still can't get over the fact that it's too frikkin late. 

He wasn't always strong though. The last few months before he passed away, I often saw him cry. He would crumble in the middle of the night.

Do you know how it feels like to miss a person who you will never be able to see anymore? To have so many things in your mind but you can't tell him? The feeling when you want to hug him but you know for damn sure you can't? You can't only rely on prayers, which are so abstract. 

Do you know how it feels like to have your heart broken into pieces and you know it won't go back in shape? You will always have those cracks and souls inside your heart. 

Do you know how it feels like to question whether there will be another man who loves you as much as your dad did?

It's overwhelming. 

It's tiring.

It's surely confusing.

My world is just a dangerous place without him. At least I think I have manage to look as firm as he was but I'm broken inside. I don't trust people I meet, people I talk to. Every corner seems to be a dark place.

I know at the end of the day I will be fine. I will be fine. Because he said I would and I trust you. But at times like this, I just want to crumble on his laps, and having his hands stroking my hair like old times. 

I miss you, Pop.

Sudah Saatnyakah?

Hari ini hari Minggu. Semalam aku pulang cukup larut, yang tentunya dapat diprediksi dengan perdebatan sengit antara aku dan Ibu. Niatku keluar hanya untuk mengurusi kebutuhan Ibu, akan tetapi kupikir apa salahnya kalau aku mencari udara segar sendirian di tengah keramaian Kota Bandung. Singkat cerita, aku pulang terlalu larut. Meninggalkan Ibuku yang cemas, terus-terusan meneleponku tiap lima sampai sepuluh menit sekali.

Sepanjang jalan aku ijak pedal gas dalam-dalam, akan tetapi padatnya jalanan tidak jadi membuatku sampai lebih cepat. Dalam hati aku menggerutu, jalanan masih ramai dan riuh, mengapa Ibu sangat ketakutan? 

Sesampainya di rumah, benar saja, kedua bibir itu sudah melengkung ke bawah, lengkap juga dengan kerutan di antara dua matanya. Tidak akan selesai meski aku sudah di rumah, batinku. Benar saja, bertubi-tubi petuah kemudian dilontarkan Ibu. Dari menuduhku dengan kecerobohan manajemen waktu, sampai keluhan bahwa Ibu tidak bisa tidur, dilanjut dengan ancaman kalau seperti ini lagi umur Ibu bisa memendek 10 tahun. 

Aku melengos. Membatin sendiri. Ini pertama kalinya lagi aku keluar di malam minggu sendirian dalam tahun ini. Aku tergolong orang yang sering diam di rumah. Tanpa keterpaksaan, karena memang aku suka berada di rumah. Leyeh-leyeh. Akan tetapi, kegiatan dan teman-teman baru yang kudapatkan baru-baru ini membuatku ingin menghabiskan lebih banyak waktu di luar rumah, hanya untuk bertukar pikiran atau menghabiskan beberapa jam hanya untuk bersenda gurau. Sesekali. Aku kesal, kenapa malam ini jadi terlalu dibesar-besarkan? Seakan-akan aku sering sekali membuat Ibuku terjaga, dengan hati yang berdegup kencang menungguku pulang. Padahal sama sekali tidak. Apa dayaku yang hanya bisa diam mendengar semua nasihat dan keluhannya yang bisa dibilang tidak adil. Aku diam, dan akhirnya aku tertidur.

Pagi ini, Ibu kembali mengungkit masalah ini. Sudah kucoba menghindar dengan pergi pagi-pagi buta untuk mencuci mobil. Akan tetapi, layaknya rekaman yang disimpan dan bisa diputar kapan saja, Ibu ingat saja waktu aku pulang. Akan tetapi, bukan nasihat dan keluhan lagi. 

"Kamu cari pacar, dong. Biar kalau mau malam mingguan bisa bebas"

Aku tertegun. Umurku masih 23 tahun, baru lulus pendidikan Sarjana Strata 1 bulan Maret kemarin dan sekarang baru 2 minggu menjalani pendidikan pasca-sarjana. Ya, memang benar aku masih sendiri. Karena merasa risih, aku timpali sekenanya, "Mamah riweuh, malam minggu tuh jalanan masih rame mah, lagian masa punya pacar cuma buat malam mingguan aja".

Ibuku hanya tersenyum, masih ingin berbicara tapi terlihat enggan. Ibuku tahu, tidak perlu didebat lagi, aku sudah berpikir.

Selama 2 tahun ini aku memang sendiri. Tidak ada kekasih atau yang biasa disebut pacar. Hubungan terakhirku kandas setelah hampir 2 tahun dirajut. Ceritanya rumit, malas untuk kurunut. Sebulan dua bulan pertama semejak putus saat itu, masih kuingat betapa nelangsanya hari-hari kujalani. Sepi rasanya. Akan tetapi setelah itu sampai sekarang, aku rasa tidak begitu mengganggu. 

Aku besar sebagai anak terakhir dari dua bersaudara. Banyak yang bilang anak bungsu dimanja and I can't argue with that. Tetapi, perlu diingat semanja-manjanya aku di rumah ini, Ayahku tetap tidak memanjakanku, paling tidak manja dalam standar umum. Aku terbiasa melakukan semuanya sendiri, tidak bergantung pada orang lain. Duduk di cafe terdekat ataupun pulang malam dengan kendaraan sendiri sudah menjadi hal yang lumrah untukku. 

Sangat asing mendengar Ibu bicara tentang pacar sebagai teman malam minggu. Karena untukku arti kekasih lebih dari sekedar partner malam minggu. Aku tidak butuh ditemani pulang, tidak butuh diantar-antar. Seketika aku merasa hampa. Kekasih, sudah berapa lama aku lupa apa arti kekasih. Aku lupa rasanya bisa bertukar pikiran, lupa rasanya punya seseorang yang bisa mengarahkanku kemana harus berjalan saat aku kebingungan. Lupa juga rasanya bisa bersenda gurau sampai larut malam, melepas penat dengan senyum selebar-lebarnya. Lupa rasanya mengharapkan pandangan lain, pandangan dari seseorang yang berarti. Sedikit rindu juga pikirku.

Sekarang aku dilanda ketakutan. Setelah 2 tahun sendiri, aku takut menjadi terlalu hebat menjadi sendiri. Takut tumbuh menjadi wanita yang bebal dan tidak bisa mendengarkan orang lain. Takut merasa tidak butuh lelaki untuk sekedar berdiri.

Ah.

Sudah saatnya kah aku membuka mata dan mulai mencari?

Blogging: My Experience

I have been so consistent for this past few weeks, one post per week. Well to be honest, its hard to keep up with it cos sometimes you just don't have anything in mind, let alone write it down virtually. For the past 3 weeks, I have been writing about things I've been doing, I have done or simply just personal thoughts and opinion. I've been so busy this week since the classes started on Monday and it has been super tense since then. But I really need to write and post something.

I have been writing a blog since I was in middle high school. I wrote some trash relating to my days, gloomy days, boys I liked and so on, so on. Then there was a time when Tumblr was so hype so I jumped there as well. But then at the end of my high school years, I decided to delete my Tumblr page (which by that time had reached about more than 100 posts) because I thought it was turning into something so personal and it felt so unoriginal.

I started this page on February 2014 but I haven't really organised and posted regularly, simply because I'm kinda losing my interest on writing for the past few years. Going back from the roots, I was born in a family whom all the members like to wrote. My dad submitted some writings to a local newspaper regularly, criticising the government or simply just making comments about anything. My mum, well, she writes at work but not as a hobby, and my sister isn't so much of a writer. I, on the other hand, have always had something for writing.

In middle school, I was so poetic. I wrote a lot of poems. This happened until high school, even until the first 2 years of Uni. They weren't so good but I just loved doing it. Then I just stopped. I came back to the old version of writing: diaries.

But then in early 2014, I thought that I wanted to start blogging again, for the sake of my sanity. I have always been that type of person who has a lot of friends but only have a handful of them as those people I could rely on. Having this blog and having this sort of sanctuary for me to put every single thoughts and complains about the world. Another word, this blog is the only way I could whine without looking too weak.

For those of you who love to write but doubt their own writings, just keep on writing cos its for yourself. You do it not to please anyone but to please yourself.

Writing is like a yoga for me, it keeps me calm and it helps me channeling my emotion, the bad and the good ones. When I took a hiatus from writing couple years ago, I realised that I got angry easily and sometimes I just felt empty in all of the sudden. I like it. Correction: I love it.

Anyway, I'm writing this post right now so that I don't miss this week's routine. as I have mentioned earlier on this post: I have been very consistent. LOL

Til we meet again.

Religion: Personal Thoughts and Experiences

Faith, religion, God, I think for some people this is not a regular topic you can throw on your lunch break or on your casual hang out session in a coffee shop with some friends. Probably it is a usual topic in certain countries for certain people, but for me, it certainly isn't.

I was born as a Muslim, both my mum and my dad are a muslim, and all members in my big family are all muslim, although I still have some Christian relatives from my dad's side.  Even until this present time, I'm still having a hard time adjusting myself with religious family I was born in, especially from my mum's side. They don't give any space for other people to ask. I'm still judged because I'm the only one left who hasn't decided to wear Hijab. Growing up in certain teachings here in Indonesia, I didn't question every single thing, I just did what I was told to do: read the holy Qur'an and pray five times a day. As I got older, I met new people with different background and beliefs. Even at that time, it wasn't common to ask or talk about your religion since it was judged to be a private matter. You'd be considered rude to even start let alone discuss about it. I could confidently say that I was religious back on high school. I never missed my 5 times prayer and I did sunnah prayers as well. I even got even more religious on my last year of high school since I wanted to get into a specific University so I never missed my midnight prayer and never stopped praying. I had never questioned about odd things and magic things in holy Qur'an about our prophet's gift for example Moses who could split the red sea and many more. 

This started to change when I finally got rejected by that University. I was so disappointed and angry. I started questioning why I even bothered to spare time to wake up in the middle of the night to pray when at the end of the day God didn't grant my wish. The only wish I thought important. This was getting even more out of hand cos I got into a catholic University, where I met a lot of people from different teachings and different way in perceiving the concept of religion and faith. In fact, in my first year of Uni, I met lots of people who don't believe in God, or those people who don't believe in religion. I started straying, missing my 5 times prayer and I started questioning the most dangerous and risky question when it comes to religion: "Why?". I met a guy, who turned out to be a good friend of mine, and he's an atheist. He asked a lot about critical questions such as: Why do you have to pray 5 times a day? How do you know that He listens to your prayers? How do you know its all real? I was baffled, since I had never asked myself those questions before. 

Luckily, I had someone I could discuss this with without cornering me: my dad. He read a lot books and he talked to a lot people. He taught me that all religions are the same, each of them teaches kindness. I was gaining my faith back and I was starting to get a better understanding about religion itself.

These days, if you ask about this matter to me, I would say that sometimes I still have some doubts in mind. I still question some stuff and I still am not a religious person. The thing is, I have learnt when to stop questioning and just get on with it, cos it is the point of religion: having faith towards the teaching. As a muslim, I'm not allowed to drink alcohols and eat pork. For this matter, I could definitely ask why and find out the reasons myself. On the other hand, for some reasons and deeper teaching, those things that I couldn't find the answer, I know now that I don't have to know everything, I just have to believe. I used to be scared of having conversations about this since I was afraid that my faith would be shaken. But today, I'm not scared anymore because I have my own understandings about what I stand for, about my faith. Sometimes I wonder, are people who get offended if they are asked to discuss religion matter actually scared their faith be shaken? Or are they simply scared because they actually don't have any?

You see, all religions are right and good. I hate that people often fight over which religions are the right one, or the best one. Why should we all compare? Why should we decide and prove that one religion is better than another? I think it would be much better we are all focus on our own beliefs without comparing it with other people's because if we do, just look at the world, fights and wars are all over it. The core message of every religion is the same, to give, to be kind and to do good thing to one another, so why don't we all do it instead of trying to diminish and dismiss other religions? It's just so ironic when people blame religion for whatever bad things that have been happening in this world where the only problem is the people. How we blame muslims for suicide bombers and ISIS, how we judge christians for dark past of some Popes and how people somehow make Israel-Palestina conflict as religion war where its just simply greedy  people who want to claim whats not theirs.

I think the world needs a better understanding when it comes to religion. People don't understand and they sometimes forget that the point of every religion is kindness. 

But who am I to judge? In my humble opinion, I think its best for me to mend and fix my own thoughts. Cos I realise that one person could make a change even if it takes the longest possible time.

For those of you who are having a hard time regarding your own faith, please don't be afraid and don't be scared. I can see why you're feeling that way since our society tends to exile people who are different, both in thoughts or actions. Please, don't be afraid. Talk to people who you think could be open minded and read a lot of books. It's not wrong to question everything as long as you know where and who to ask and when to stop.

World will surely be a much better place if we all go back to the roots instead of staying up on the surface. It will be a much more peaceful land if people don't bash each other, and try to prove which one is better. A lot of people today have grown to be those who's so judgemental and stubborn. Sometimes I wonder, would I be okay if tomorrow I had to go outside this country and live in the country which the majority of its people aren't as Muslim? Will they hate me? Will they stare at me and judge me?

Having religion or not, having a faith or not, believe in God or not, that doesn't matter, does it? As long as you're kind to other beings in this world, that is what matters.

Til next time.

August the 17th: Independence Day

In case you haven't checked the date, today is August the 17th. Yes, it's Indonesia's 71st Independence Day. I have a strong feeling that today is going to pass like any other day, tomorrow will come in an instant. It used to be one of many public holidays I fancied the most, because it used to be fun with all the mini games and presents. I used to always team up with my friends in neighbourhood early in the morning, had fun in the field nearby, and came home late in the afternoon. At some point, there was this bike-decorating championship and we had to march around with our bikes full of decorations, ribbons and even balloons. Well, they still do it up until today, but I guess I'm too old to do those kind of things anymore. It would surely be awkward and it wouldn't be fair for  those little children cos I could take away their present in a blink of an eye.

My own comprehension and cognisance of the concept of Independence day was nothing more than just mini contests, games and championships. I (and I believe many of Indonesian youngsters) had been doing an obligatory ceremony every Monday for almost 12 years since elementary school in which there was a moment of silence to honour the fallen heroes of this nation but did I really understand what that was all about? No. To be fair here, those ceremonies were obligatory, we had to stand for almost an hour and we had to listen to same thing every time. We didn't do it voluntarily, we felt like we were forced to do it. Today, I have realised that this ceremony is intended to shape us, the youngsters, so that we become people with a high sense of nationalism, and of course so that we don't forget where we came from, and what we had to go through. The agony we had to endure for years of years of torture and the pain we had to bear for loosing the ones we loved. The blood that was dripped for our own land, and freedom.

I could remember that history had never been a delightful subject for me. I didn't fancy reading those type of books, let alone doing the test. I learned history from my Dad, because he liked telling stories and I liked to ask and listen. I could confidently say I'm a person with a strong sense of nationalism and patriotism, at least compared to other people my age. I could also say that this wasn't built by those ceremonies I did back on those days, it was built by my own research.

This is not what this post is going to be all about, not about nationalism or patriotism. 

Even until 6 years ago, every August 17th, I would wake up, turn on the TV and watch the national ceremony (cos sure as hell it's just super interesting to watch). Then I would have a brief discussion with my dad about how far this country had gone. I would then go to my room, contemplated everything and started feeling disgusted because I would realise that this country hadn't done anything significant. I would feel annoyed with all those corruptors who rotted this country from the inside. I would make a post criticising the government, then eventually failed to post it. I would blame everyone and everything for this miserable country. I would hate everyone and everything but me.

Today I woke up. I realised that I have changed now, not sure how long. I don't blame them anymore. I blame myself. This country's future is in my hand, and it's my responsibility as a citizen to build this country to be a better place for anyone. Sure I could still see all the defects this country keeps making, from the 2 weeks old ministry to the poor girl who couldn't join the Flag Hoisting Troop. All those issue diversions every time something bad comes up to the surface. This country still needs a serious fix, but I have come to a realisation that its my job to fix it. 

For my fellow young adults, be on my side. Don't be someone who comes forward to criticise but do nothing practical about it. Be someone who does something. Everyone can have brilliant thoughts and concepts but not everyone could do something about it. Don't blame the government, and be them instead. Make a change, help our country.

These words could probably mean nothing. This could also probably sound meaningless and sound hell of a bullshit. At least I did something, have you done something?

Thank you for those of you who have reached this point and read this post until the very end. 

Bootcamp and Personal Thoughts

About two weeks ago, I had to do an obligatory activity from the University I'm doing my master's in (you can read the full coverage about my journey til I got accepted here). I think its not quite right to call it activity since it wasn't a singular noun, cos I had to do tons of activity for 4 days. Frankly speaking, I was hesitant to do it, because I didn't think it was the right thing to do at this age. In addition, I felt like I was too old to do such activities. It even crossed my mind that I should pretend to be sick or something just to get away from it. Too bad, the certificate I would get from this activity, or a what-so-called "Bootcamp", is required in order to graduate later on. 

On Thursday the 7th, I had to go super early in the morning cos we all had to hop on a bus. It was such a torture to wake up early cos I was used to wake up late since I got nothing to do in the morning. The first destination was an old river located just outside a small city called Sukabumi. I think you've probably guessed it right, yes, we were going to do some rafting. I was so nervous since I hadn't done it before. The river was so wide, and they said that there would be 21 cascades along the river and it would take approximately 3 hours. I don't know about you guys, but I am definitely not an outdoorsy kind of person so having to be under the excruciating sunlight for 3 hours straight, on a boat, with 21 cascades and a huge possibility to fall into the water, was too much for me to bear. Unfortunately, there was no other choice and I had to go through it. I could lie and say that I had a serious illness that could be fatal if I kept going but if I had done it, I wouldn't have had anything to talk about and I wouldn't have had a new experience to reminisce in the future. At first it was scary I'm not gonna lie but after a while, it became soothing to see how the water flew, how it dripped between the stones. It was just amazing to see the trees, the river and sky coalescing together to form such a pretty view. We were not allowed to bring our phones or cameras while we did the rafting (duh, of course) so sadly, I didn't (because I couldn't) take any pictures. After sailing the river for 3 hours (which surprisingly didn't feel like it was THAT long), we finally arrived at the finished point where we could wash up our body and basically get cleaned up. I hate this kind of thing with. a. passion. I'm a very practical person, and I'm super organised it makes me uptight sometimes, so having to queue then taking a quick bath while someone is waiting for her turn in front of the door kinda made me feel anxious and uncomfortable in many ways. But then again, I had to cos we fell into the water (the boat that I was in was almost flipped basically and 3 out of 5 people in it fell right into the water on the 11th cascade), and my body smelled like poo. Not to mention my hair as well, which smelled even worse.

From the 8th to the 10th, the bootcamp took place in a hotel or a resort. I met lots of new friends. We were placed in small group and at some point there were some sort of mini games and each group had to compete against each other. The bootcamp wasn't really a  bootcamp, you know, when we hear "bootcamp", we (well at least I do), tend to think it military type of activity with push ups, sit ups, and all kind of physical punishments included. So it wasn't really a bootcamp since there was no yelling involved, let alone physical punishments. We were forced and trained to be confident and speak up our mind since they said that for next 2 years in the program, we would have to be able to do such things.

( This is where this post is getting personal )

Usually, I'm always open for new friends, new things and new people. But this time, I found it hard to connect with people. I found it hard to build an emotional bonding with these new people. I still have it though, the ability to just be friend with people. I met lots of new, nice and kind people in my batch, but it was so hard to have like a strong connection and intimate relationship. I know that it was just a 3 days activity but normally, 3 days would be enough for me to deduce and to see whom I'm gonna feel the connection with. This time, it wasn't like that. It was so hard to connect and to reach that level where the friendship or the relationship gets personal. There was a point when I thought that this could end bad cos I'm that type of person who needs at least one person to rely on even if this person and I don't end up as a best friend. Dont get me wrong though, I have some nice friends now but I don't think I would have a strong friendship with these guys. Maybe I'm being prejudice and shallow, I know. 

I have came to realise that you don't always need bestfriends once you get older. I think at this age, I have grown up and I have shaped myself into something as a whole and those people I have from the past, who have known me for years, and noticed and also witnessed the changes I've been through are the people I need the most. I don't want to bother myself explaining, proving and showing myself to these new people and expect them to understand me. Plus, its kinda tiring to tell these new people my 22 years old story and I'm sure they wont be bothered to listen as well. This is why I kinda feel disconnected with my new friends. I have freed myself from every expectation I used to have from meeting new people. 

The thing is, even if I feel like I don't need a new BFF, I still think that I need someone I could talk to, cos two years of this program could too much at some point and I honestly think I would need someone to simply share the burden I might have in the future. I know that I could still talk to Ayu or Andrea or other friends but lets just be real, it would be so much more relieving to share your thoughts, anxiety or to ask for point of views, perspectives and advices to someone who is going thru the same thing as you are. Crossed my fingers that I would meet this someone.Oh, when it comes romantic-wise relationship, I really don't expect that much. Not because all the guys I meet here (they are super decent and nice), its more like I'm still fixing everything in me, and I don't think someone will like me soon. Sounds pretty much pathetic but, hey, I am just being honest here. 

Til next time!

Master of Business Administration (MBA-ITB): My Experience

Hi! As I promised here, I'm gonna try to explain and tell you about my experience and every progress I went through till I got accepted in MBA-ITB as meticulous as I can. But I reckon this topic will be useful for Indonesian, I'll write this post in Bahasa, for the sake of purposes.

Jadi di post ini, aku mau coba jelasin tentang pengalamanku saat ikut tes MBA-ITB dari pertama sampe akhirnya aku keterima. Motivasi utama aku bikin post ini karena pengalaman pribadi, dimana dula akupun menghabiskan waktu cukup lama untuk browsing pengalaman pengalaman orang yang ikut tes MBA-ITB.

For those of you who need to know more about MBA-ITB you can go to their website. Basically, untuk MBA-ITB ini merupakan salah satu program yang ditawarkan oleh Sekolah Bisnis Manajemen ITB (SBM-ITB) until Program Magister. Selain MBA, ditawarkan juga program magister lain yaitu MSM (Master of Science Management). Tapi karena aku daftar untuk MBA, aku akan bantu temen-temen yang mau daftar MBA saja.

To start this post, yang harus diperhatikan adalah, semua persiapan dan proses admission di MBA-ITB ini dilakukan mandiri. Pastikan kamu punya akses internet yang mudah, supaya gampang. Pihak MBA-ITB sendiri sangat bergantung dan memanfaatkan teknologi email, karens itu, harus punya email dan usahakan akses ke email juga gampang ya!

Pertama.

Pertama-tama yang harus kamu lakukan adalah cek website MBA (aku link di atas) dan cari tau program yang kamu mau. Karena ada beberapa. Ada Young Professional, Creative and Cultural Entrepreneurship (CCE) dan EMBA (Executive MBA). Pastikan kamu tau apa tujuan kamu dan kami mau jadi apa setelah lulus program master ini. Aku pribadi ambil Young Professional karena; pengalaman kerjaku masih di bawah satu tahun dan kurikulum di YP MBA-ITB cocok dengan tujuanku saat nanti lulus. Banyakin ngobrol sama orang ataupun cari tau di internet masing-masing program ini belajar apa dan akan members kamu benefit apa.

Kedua.

After deciding which program suits you best, the next thing you should do is cek jadwal tes. Jadwal tes ini biasanya ada beberapa gelombang. Kalau kamu ga lolos di gelombang satu, boleh ikut yang selanjutnya. Jadwal tes yang available juga bisa diliat di website. Test yang dilakukan itu ada 2-3 test. Untuk program Young Professional, tes-nya cuma AAT dan Test ELPT. AAT ini versi lebih mudahnya dari GMAT (Graduate Management Admission Test). Untuk latihan dan cara belajar dari AAT ini sendiri, for me personally, it wasn't that hard. I had a month to study before the test. Untuk bukunya sendiri bisa kamu beli di Gramedia (Barron's) atau kalau yang mau ebook-nya, you can contact me personally and I'll be happy to send you the ebook. ELPT itu tes bahasa inggris yang lebih mudah dari TOEFL ataupun TOEIC. Tesnya sendiri dibagi jadi beberapa section yaitu reading, listening, dan structure. If you choose other program such as CCE, akan ada interview untuk business plan kamu. 

Ketiga.

You have chosen the most suitable test schedule for you, setelah itu, kamu harus bikin akun registrasi di laman penerimaan mahasiswa baru ITB atau registrasi online. Di dalam websitenya, kamu harus isi biodata, lalu harus juga nge-upload berkas berkas atau dokumen. Nah, menurutku yang ribet adalah ngurusin dokumen-dokumen untuk pendaftarannya. Seingatku, yang harus disiapkan adalah Ijazah S1 (asli dan fotocopy legalisir), Transkrip Nilai S1 (asli dan fotocopy legalisir), tanda pengenal (KTP atau SIM), surat keterangan sehat (ini paling malesin, harus ke Puskesmas dan nunggu lama hanya untuk dicek berat badan, tinggi badan, dan tekanan darah). Selain itu, kamu juga harus bayar biaya test lewat ATM atau bank, dan bukti pembayarannya juga merupakan berkas yang diperlukan. Selengkapnya bisa dicek di website-nya ya. Setelah lengkap, berkas-berkas ini harus discan dan diupload ke akun online yang sudah dibuat sebelumnya. Berkas fisik ini juga harus dikasih ke kantor admission SBM di depan SABUGA.

Ketiga.

TESTING DAY! Tesnya mudah kok, kendalanya hanya waktu aja. Kerasanya cepat banget, mungkin karena udah lama juga ga ujian kaya gitu. Saranku, when you practice solving either GMAT or ELPT problems, try timing it, jadi terbiasa untuk ngerjain dengan frame waktu. Testing days will take 2 days in a row. I'll advice you not to compare your answers with other people cos there's no good in doing it. After this test, the only thing you should do is cross your finger and hope for the best.

Umm, I think that is all I could remember. I know this is not much but I hope this could help anyone of you who are planning to take this program. I'll be gladly help you with your questions if you have any and please do contact me on my email (evyta.rosalina@yahoo.com) or simply comment down below. 

The most important thing is, be sure that this is what you want to do. Cos it takes a lot of energy once you get accepted, and it definitely takes much money to finish your Master's. So yeah, anyway, catch ya in the next post!

Updates!

Hi! I know, I know, I'm a bad blogger, probably the worst blogger ever, since I haven't posted anything since last March and I don't post regularly. I'm so sorry, really, I don't know how to explain because honestly I've been doing nothing.

So, updates here we come!

On my post right here, I said that I had been planning to go abroad for my Master's. Sadly, I had to cancel (or postpone) all of those plans due to certain things. I will definitely make separate post about this matter but for right now, let's just say, well, things have developed differently.

Anyway, long story short, I still am continuing my education but obviously have to do it here in Indonesia. After a long and tiring research about programmes I want to take along with spending much time thinking about what I want to do in the future, I decided that I wanted to get a degree that can help me to reach my goal to work in Aviation Industry. As a Bachelor of Chemical Engineering, there aren't many jobs available in that particular industry so I think if I take a more general major for my Master's, I could have a future in that field. I want to have an international degree and use my english for a better use other than writing a blog or talking to myself in my car every time I drive, so then again, after spending hours on researching for the best programmes for that criteria, I chose MBA-ITB (Banding Institute of Technology). I was a bit hesitant at first cos it felt kind of cliche (didn't make it for a bachelor degree, then tried for Master's), but then I think MBA-ITB meets all the criteria I was looking for.

I went through some tests (will write about this as well!), and thankfully I made it. So long story short, now I'm waiting for my classes to start! So thrilled for it, of course! I have been attending some pre-courses activities for the past few days, met and made a lot of new friends with different educational background. To be frank here, I had a mild panic attack on the first day. I'm still not sure why it happened cos I had always been great at socialising. I guess it had been a little while since I had to adapt myself in a new environment and society. But at the end of the day, I got my skill back and made tons of friend!

There's this both outdoor and indoor activities that I have to go through this weekend, one of many is rafting. I am super scared cos they say we're gonna have to go thru 12km in distance for 3 hours. I have never been on this kind of activity. So pumped but terrified at the same time. Wish me luck!

And last thing, I got myself a new Laptop. Suuuuper excited. I have been planning to create more contents on this blog and I have lots of thing in mind for sure. I promise myself I'll write regularly this time.

Oh well, things aren't going as expected but I do really hope I'm taking the best path. 

Stages?

Since my last post, which the title pretty much explains, I have been receiving quite a few responds. I would love to say thank you for all the kind words, and the supports, especially those who are proud of me for being able to pass through this. Thank you, I really am thankful for those who have spared their time just to drop something nice in my inbox.

There are also a few people who asked, how I managed to stand up and went through it all? I got stoned when I read to question. Not only because I am not able to answer it, but also because I realize that I am not there yet and there’s still a long way ahead to be there. I do really hope by sharing this, people who are in the same position like I am, would be able to cope and be fine at the end.

It has been two months since that day. Well, when you go through a death of someone in your family, you will feel hurt. Have you ever gone through a really bad breakup? That feeling when you feel left out, and feel abandoned? Well, when it comes to death of someone, especially your closest ones, the feeling is similar, but million times worse.  In my experience, I have learnt that I have been passing through stages since that day, and I’m also thinking what stage I will be facing.

First, people will come. People will come and it will feel like the hole inside you are being filled up. You will get more attention. These people will say things that you hope can make you feel better. They will hug you, few of them will preach. At some point, you will think to yourself that things are probably not as bad as you think it will be, because you have everyone in your corner. The truth is, no. People can only talk, even those who have been through the same thing. There are two possibilities;  first, they do that for themselves because they feel sorry for you, which they must be. Second, they just don’t know what else to do, therefore, they position themselves as if they are you corner and they act like everything is going to be fine without actually knowing if it is. Don’t get me wrong, people do care for you. You are not alone, but the thing is, you are the one who has to deal with this. Don’t rely on them, and rely on yourself instead. Keep in mind that they have their own life to take care of, which means you are on your own.

The next thing is, you will feel alone. This can be a torture at first but bear in mind that you will get through this. You will be able to get out but the very first thing to do is to admit your situation. Adapt to it. It is hard, how can I tell? Because I am still in this phase. I am trying to admit that I am all alone now. I know people care, and of course they support me but at the end, I am the only one who has to take care of whatever it is that is going on in my life. I’m the only one who is responsible of everything that hasn’t been finished yet and I am the one who has to go on and re-write my plans. Not them. Admit that you are on your own. Admit that you carry much pain than any others.

It is hard. I believe it’s a human nature to need someone to just cry on. Dependency is human nature, it comes naturally. Moreover, for those who haven’t yet built a steady independent life, losing a Dad (or important figures, basically) will trigger them to have someone as a replacement: someone who can guide them and protect them. Needless to say, I do too. As hard as it can be, you (and I) should avoid this and try to admit the fact that you are alone and there’s nothing you can do about it.

Last but definitely not least, you will have to find something to ease your pain and to make you feel comfortable. For me, praying it is. Praying makes me feel better. I can’t deny that a part of me still questions whether prayers will do something effective, let alone they will change something. I do realize that prayers won’t help me cure my pain, they won’t heal any of them. But as far as I know, they will surely help me cope with things.

I really hope I can turn all the grieves into something powerful in the near future. People are asking, how am I standing up? I am not. I am still squatting.

I’m still not sure what’s the point of writing this. Some people may probably relate to this, and some others may not. I hope whoever read this and feel this will come to realize that this is all normal and everyone goes to the same phases and will turn out to be okay at the end. I guess I’m writing this also for the same purpose, to justify that I will be okay at the end of the day.

2015: The Summary

I really don’t know how to start this, after almost a year leaving this page. I came back to this page about a month ago just to check when the last time I wrote something. To be frank, I lost my interest in writing, not sure why. I intended to demolish this page, and any other pages that have my writings on them. However, what occurred to me this year and what also might in the future drive me back here. I could do some writings again from now on since it might be the only way to relieve the stress. I completely aware that 2016 has been going for 2 months, and this is way too late to write something related to 2015. What else can I say? You will understand once you read this.

So, just like any other awkward first date that starts with one simple “Hi”, I think my simple “Hi” will bring me back here again. Hi. 

2015 started off quite well. I remember finishing my internship in Jakarta, which I had written here. Things were well. Between February and March, things went pretty much well. I went to several places, visited both of my hometowns (Medan and Kalimantan) during that period of time. These visits were kind of exciting, because all of my family members were able to join. This was rare, since my sister was always the one who had the most packed up schedule. So it was something, that she could join us without having to fight with my mum or my dad first. I was still in my 8^th semester back then and I only took 13 credits, hoping to get straight A. Uni live, on the other hand, was getting out of my hand. It was horrible and overwhelming. By horrible I mean boring. I had been attending classes for over 3 years, that could really get into your head, let me tell you that.  At the end of March, I did my internship defense, along with both of my partners. Afterall, the first 3 months seemed to be really good, everything went well and everything happened as it was planned. What could be better than that, huh?

Fast forward all of those boring period when I had to keep my eyes open during morning classes, and when I had to drive myself back home through afternoon traffic and finally to the first disaster that happened. I found out that I wouldn’t be able to graduate on time, which meant that I had to take one extra semester. I wouldn’t go into details about this, but hte bottom line is, I had to be in Uni for approximately 5 more months, attending classes and working on my last final project. When I told my parents about this, my dad was furious, or, if I may say, dissapointed. He said that I was a disgrace to my family and I talked too much without actually proving anything. I didn't blame him for saying such thing, and I didn't feel offended either because what he said was true. Its not like I planned for it to get messy or to disappoint them, I just didn't try hard enough, and too laid back. So yeah, I was a disgrace and I blabbed too much.  This, according to both of my parents, was a contrast to what my sister did. She kept quite during her Uni life. She didn’t talk too much, she didn’t share much about what happened in Uni. And yet, she managed to graduate within 3 years and 8 months. I screwed up. In all that mess, I still found that my parents would still embrace me no matter what. We still planned for holidays, laughed. They still fed me, gave me money, spoiled me with things, despite the fact that I let them down. Again, one thing probably strayed, but other things were still on the track.

I can’t believe that everything could turn into my worst nightmare within a very short period of time. It was the beginning of August. We had planned to go to our favorite holiday destination, which was hot spring pool just outside Bandung, about 2,5-3 hours ride. We also stayed in our favorite hotel, explored few places we had visited years ago. If only I had known that it was our last holiday as a perfect little happy family, I would most likely have enjoyed it even more. Finally, on August 17^th 2015, everything changed. It was the day when all the joy was taken away, the ambiance, the atmosphere, the feelings whatever you name it, they all changed. You see, my family is a small one. My dad, mom, sister and myself, that’s it. One of them, apparently didn’t realize the importance of her role in the family and decided to take off and leave her family. I will go in depth about this matter in another separated post but in this one, I’m just going to say that: my sister left home. My mum and dad were crushed, that was the first time I saw my dad cried like a baby. He was always a firm man, but that time, he cried. We drove to the town, didn’t know where to go. We went to her office downtown just to find that she wasn’t there. I texted her friends just to find that neither of them knew where she was. I remember going home at night empty handed. I also remember not being able to sleep at night because my dad kept wandering in his room, making many many calls, and my mum couldn’t sleep either. She kept praying and praying, hoping to get some light in this pitch black darkness. Thank God, all of those phone calls my dad made, finally resulted something worth to hear. My dad worked for Indonesian Air Force, that gave him access to every airport in Indonesia. Long story short, we found her. And we talked her out of this madness and she finally went home.

She was back home, things were sorted out with the involvement of few members of my big family but we all knew that things would be totally different from that point. My sister eventually left Bandung for work because she got accepted in 5 stars hotel in Bali. This time with my parents' blessing.

I, however, had to stay in Bandung to keep up with all the dreadful things that kept occurring. In addition to that, I still had some big things going on, which was getting my final project done along with my two other friends. Come to think of that now, I’m sure God helped me through that because I couldn’t have done that in regular circumstances, let alone the fucked up things that shifted my focus. I had to go for classes everyday, work on my final project and I too had to go home as soon as I can cause I had to. I had to be the one who balanced the instability in the family. The fights, the arguments, the annoying flashbacks, the mood-swings, the perspectives between two brilliant people I have ever known. Nevertheless, I did realize that I had huge responsibility and my role in the family was instantly becoming more important. A perfect timing to upgrade your personality, eh?

There were only the three of us left. We went here and there without my sister. This was a big adjustment since we always went together. My dad was different, he sometimes cried or just snapped out of nowhere. Consequently, his health was also depriving slowly. On December, things were going even worse. There was this time when I went home and found my dad laying on bed, freezing. He was sick. I could feel it in my bones that that time was different, but I was known as the most paranoid person in the family and hence I couldn’t say anything about this hunch. He always had this eagerness to get better every time he got sick, but this time, I could feel that he was giving up.
He was finally admitted to the hospital on 26th December. It was a very clear memory inside my head that on 27th, I sat beside his bed, starring at him and surprisingly, between his unconsciousness, he starred back at me. Finally, on 28^th December 2015. I lost him. I lost my dad. He passed away. Losing my parents were always the thing I was afraid of and unfortunately, I had to experience that at the very early stage of my life, when I am not someone yet, when I'm not able to stand on my own feet yet. When I'm still in a constant need of having him around.  On one hand, I was thankful because I was there beside him along the way until the last breath he took and on another, I was wrecked inside. My dad was always the one I looked up to. He was the greatest man I have ever known. He was also my protector, my shield. My bubble wrap that kept me from evil things that could potentially hurt and destroy me. Now that he’s gone, world seems to be a really fucked up and dangerous place.

You probably think that the fight is over now, well guess what? No. I still had to go through my final exam, called comprehensive exam which basically an exam you have to do and obviously pass in order to graduate and get a degree. This exam involves all things you have studied for 8 semesters. Tough, eh? I didn’t have time to mourn. I didn’t have enough space to just cry and miss my dad. Almost every people whispered while hugging me, saying cliché things such as I needed to focus, my dad would watch me from above, and he would be happy. The thing is, I don’t buy those stuff. I don’t think that he could still see me from above because God has saved him from all the terrible things that happen in this world. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a believer, I pray every day of course because apparently it is the only thing I could do from now on. But again, he has been freed. My dad has gone to a much better and nicer place. I often didn’t realize that tears were starting to fall when I was reading a book, or practicing solving stupid chemical engineering problems. I managed to graduate at the end, but honestly, I felt nothing. Sure I was relieved that I finally ended my study, but I didn’t feel the warmth that I thought I would feel. I didn’t experience the happiness  and the pride of telling the most important person in your life that you finally did it. I had never felt as alone as that time, it just felt dull, and meaningless.

Now that if you ask me how was 2015 for me? It was probably the worst year of my life. When I wrote the first three paragraphs in this post, I barely could remember the good things that happened. What I will always remember from 2015 is losing my dad. I could also remember that new year’s eve felt so wrong. We used to light fireworks and stayed up late, singing, inviting neighbors and relatives. But it wasn’t like that at all. It was so quiet, cold and sad.

This all leads to the next probable question, what’s my plan for 2016? I might sound weepy but truthfully, I don’t know. I have always imagined discussing what I would do after uni with my dad, talking it through, planning it together. But now, I clearly can’t do it, can I? My dad bragged about sending me abroad for my master study, I believe it was the last thing he expected from me, and I think I will stick to that. I really hope that this year could be better, and could also be a turning point for all of us, us as in the three of us left. My mum has lost both of her parents, now she has lost the love of her life. I really hope that she can be happy from now on. And I want to be the person who can give her all the happiness she deserves after all of these horrific things.

To summarize, this may sound like a whiny female teenager who complains about her high school life, 2015: sucks. I hope yours was good, and delightful. I also hope all of you, who are reading this, are surrounded by your loved ones. Please, do remember one thing, your life revolves around someone else’s life. That means all of your choices will affect them in so many ways, please, make some good ones, take them into account. Love them and don’t hesitate to say it. Be there for them as much as you want them to be there for you. Be thankful. You will never know how much a person could mean to you until you lose him, so make the full out of their existence.

With love,

Evyta Rosalina.